this is my blog

I have developed quite a few Pandora stations in the couple of years I’ve had the account. One of my favorite stations is my Billy Holiday station. I love many of Billy Holiday’s songs but the station has exposed me to the likes of Dinah Washington, Carmen McRae, and Peggy Lee. I adore their music particularly the slow songs. There is something pleasantly miserable about songs titled “I’ve got the Right to sing the Blues” and “Moanin’ Low” by Billy Holiday. I heard a good one by Carmen McRae this morning, “Something to Live for,” which talks about how she’s got nothing to live for until she’s found someone to love.

i am having a fucking terrible day and a fucking terrible week. may sucks. i want to string it up like a pinata and beat it lifeless. i can’t stand anything or anyone. everything and everyone makes me angry. all i want it so be left alone…to crawl in a hole. i have given up completely on trying to be friendly to people and try to “get out there” and meet people. fuck people and fuck this stupid life. my life is stupid and pointless. i am an idiot because i have been waiting my whole life hoping to be loved by someone who loves me as much as they love themselves. it has not happened and it is stupid to think it will. it is pretty fucking pathetic when “to be loved” is your big goal in life.other than being an authentic idiot, i have absolutely no idea who i am. i am rooted in nothing and come from nowhere, therefore i can be nothing.

i spend so much time looking outward trying to find people with similar interests and trying to help others. maybe i come across as desperate instead of interested. maybe because i don’t constantly thumbs up, poke, im people after i meet them, i seem disinterested. maybe people hate me because i am trying to life my life with intention (bike riding, eating well, design, photography) and i come across as a snob.

hating life. hating self. feeling lost.

I enjoy photography. This is another thing that I enjoy but I am not that good at. I can forgive myself to some extent because I have only been shooting for several years. I have been a practicing graphic designer for 13 years.

My love for photography started in Bloomington. My Bloomington work represents technique. I have proved I know how to work the camera and shown I have somewhat of an eye. Now I just need to shot.

I have developed a few ideas for subjects but the new challenge is how to capture them. I had a great conversation with our departments photography professor a few weeks ago. He is the first person to give me some clear instruction on what to put in my portfolio. During that conversation I was able to verbalize, for the first time, the awkwardness I feel when I take pictures. Not when I take pictures for an assignment but when I take a photo just because I think a moment or view should be captured. He gave me some great advice. He basically said I need to trick myself. I need to tell myself all of the photography I do off-duty will, eventually, lead to a paid project. So just tell myself ‘I’m doing this for a job that I will not be paid for, for awhile.’

I’ve only shot a couple of pictures since then but I am much better at keeping my camera on my person.

Chicago has shown awkwardly true. I am not good at the things I enjoy. I enjoy graphic design but am not that good at it. My designs lack the sophistication that other designers with my experience have. I am trying to get out there and develop artistically. I recently designed a sign for this person who jokingly said they might as well open a lounge in their basement because friends hangout there frequently. I was impressed that I actually had the desire to create it. I have always wanted to make a neon looking sign in Illustrator. I learned a lot making the sign but it turned out, well, kinda goofy. I ended up sending it to the person just for fun (feeling impressed that I had even done anything). When I looked at it the next day, I was sort of embarrassed that I had sent it.I need to work more on it and develop the texture and layering more.

I am trying to break out and share my work more even though I know it lacks sophistication (seamless textures and layering). My recent motivation to develop work is my fear of my job not being renewed. I need to have fresh work (Sierra Club does not really provide that anymore, mainly web up keep) and some base clients. I am working with a french bakery right now. I basically emailed them and asked if I could redesign their website. Their website is so boring compared to their food. They said yes and I sent them a few samples over the weekend. An acquaintance here in the city is a comedian. I am going to see if he wants a website re-design.

I have been miserable the entire week. Some of it has to do with timing. It’s the last week of classes, I have been sick (home for two days with an allergy/bronchitis type thing), and I have been working a lot.  I have been in social hibernation mode for awhile now. Some of that is finances, I know if I go out I’ll spend money. Some of my misery has to do with still not knowing if my job has been renewed. I’m frustrated from my brief stint of trying to date. I guess my reaction is nothing new. I’ve made it to a second date with one guy and then I stopped hearing from him. This guy and I actually had some chemistry or so I thought. The guys close to my age want someone younger (for the kid factor) and the guys older than me seem completely happy with there lives and don’t seem to want someone around on a regular basis. So I guess I’m done with “trying” to date. On a day like today I feel like I will never find love. I’ve been in love twice, both times were not reciprocated. 

Work, school, freelance and volunteering have been keeping me pretty busy.

School
I can’t wait for the semester to be over. I skipped class last Tuesday because I am sick of going to class. I look forward to having my weekday evenings back. I feel like I’m learning the structure of article writing but when it comes to the grammar side of things…I still feel like I’m hanging out in 6th grade. I have decided not to take class in summer even though I am tempted by a documentary storytelling class.

Work
I will be teaching first summer session (woot! woot!). The class I’m teaching is “New Media and Technology.” There are 14 students registered so far and it will meet Tuesdays and Thursday from 1-4. Here is the generic course description:

Broad overview of current trends and new forms of media and technology and their potential effects. Course focuses on the World Wide Web, interactive media, online services, digital photography, and other current topics. Lecture/lab, discussion, hands-on experience with computer applications, including fundamentals of website design.

Still haven’t heard if my position will be renewed or not. I did find a cool job at mediastorm.org that I’m going to apply for. Trying to keep my eyes open and psych myself for another possible job search.

Other than not knowing my future and the pay, my job is great!

Freelance
I’ve had about 10 hours of work each in February and March so that has helped pad the ol’ pocket book. It hasn’t been design work. It’s just been updating WordPress and some photo editing. I really enjoy photo editing.

One of the students I worked with at IU has hired me to design him a “business” card. It was fun to just and think of ideas. I sent him four mock ups yesterday.

Volunteering
I have been frustrated with volunteering but the last couple of meetings have been refreshing. I was feeling overwhelmed because we still do not have a lot of people involved. We now have activities for when people do get involved and that was my goal. There has also been some changes to patrol. Now that the warm season is around the corner, we expect our loitering problem to rise. When the problem increases that is when folks will come to complain and, hopefully, stay to help solve/reduce the issue.

Dating
I deleted my profile from FastCupid. I am bored with the dating site thing but glad I tried it out. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with Terry a guy I met at chainlink bar night a few weeks ago. It was cool meeting him on that night in particular. My date for the night canceled and going to bar night was Plan B for the evening. I dig this guy and hope we can brew up fun times for awhile.

I’ve been feeling unsettled lately. I have all of this energy inside of me and no focused way to express it. I know want to paint but when I sit down to paint nothing comes out. I have several ideas for greeting cards but when I sit down to make them I can’t put anything on paper. I need to get new design work and photo work but don’t have anything new coming in and don’t know how to get new work. I see at least one scene everyday I want to photograph but I do not take the picture.

Not sure if the above is a sign of me being content with my life or discontent with my life.

I do not have the ability to plan for the future. I guess I know how to do it but I do not see the point. I’m not sure if that is because I do not want to go on doing things in my life without a partner or if it’s because I’m scared to do them on my own.

I think I have some problems feeling comfortable acting outside of myself. I feel awkward went I try to paint or want to take a picture when people are around. I guess to say it generically I feel awkward when I do something that is solely because I want to do it. My desire to do/create something doesn’t seem justify it me manifesting it. Not sure if that makes sense but it is a growing problem. I have completely lost the ability to create for fun. I’m not sure if I ever had that ability. I love creating art, design, photography but I’ve never done it just for fun. It’s always been an assignment or job related.

So instead of pouring my spare time into design and photo (for fun or to build a business) I am pouring time into community involvement. That’s fine and good but it doesn’t benefit me.

The whole reason I moved to Chicago was for me, to improve my life. I am finally free of the relationships that held me prisoner and now I am dumping all of my efforts into this community organization and into school. You could argue that school is a benefit to me but it’s a lot of work and it’s not work I am enjoying. Why am I learning how to interview people (writing) if what I want to do is design and take pictures?

Why do I feel lazy if I’m not utilizing this free education benefit from Roosevelt? Why can’t I chill out and enjoy life while feeling comfortable manifesting my ideas?

I guess this is a new depth of self worth that I’m facing.

I had a roller coaster weekend. Every down point of the weekend was met with a high point. There are a few heavy things going on in my life and I think now that it is spring break, I am focusing on them.

It’s been another long week. Lots of course work, PMS that could be considered an olympic event, and lots of bike riding. If I ride into work today, yes I have to work on Saturday, I will make the 50 mile mark for the second week in a row. It’s rainy out and I am really tired so I may have to settle for 38 miles this week or ride tomorrow.

As a gift to myself, I took Friday of my birthday week off. It was wonderful to have a three day weekend. When I woke up Monday morning to go to work, I felt terrible. I emailed in sick and went back to bed.