this is my blog

(In the voice of Jerry Seinfeld)
What’s the deal with forgiveness?

the subject matter of forgiveness has been on my mind recently. it is an issue that i have dealt with in the past but have never resolved. i am not talking about forgiveness in a “You ate the last cookie, you bastard!” i am talking about repairing parts of your life that someone has damaged by their actions.

most of us are trained to “forgive and forget”. i think that is bullshit. i believe forgivness can happen with a lot of work but forgetting is nothing that comes easy for most of us. i think it would be more accurate to say “forgive and heal yourself through the forgiveness”.

even with that ideal statement i struggle. there are a handful of people i have had ample opportunity to forgive (not that they have ask to be) but i have actively not forgiven. the hurt they dished out was very deep and profound.

i tend to take more hurt than one should tolerate in a given situation. partly because i am use to being hurt and partly because i don’t like to give up on people. but there is a clear line where i move on from that situation…and when i move on i do not look back and i do not have regrets. i’ve wondered why i developed this pattern. i believe the source to be the parents i was born from and their family members.

my birth parents had completely abandoned me by age 12. My birth “mother” at age 3 and birth “father” by 12. the mom that raised me (from age 5) came to regret taking me in and giving up her life to raise me. i believe some of this mentality came from a developed mental illness noticable in her during my late teens. i was never the kid that thought my parents divorce was my fault…i just felt abandoned…i felt like i was not worth fighting for. as for my mom that raised me she just made me feel like i was a burden.

so because of my experience as a kid i feel i am willing to deal with receiving hurt a lot longer than others before giving up. i don’t know if it’s healthy or not but it’s my way. at the point i recognized this was my pattern i was able to be more organized about setting boundries so i did not feel trapped in a hurtful situation.

i don’t think most people actively hurt. it usually stems from something unsettled  in their own life. so if i accept that most people don’t hurt intentionally or hurt from being ignorant then why can i not bring myself from forgiving my parents and certain family members for giving up on me and making me feel like a burden?

well it’s final. an official memo has published the official memo that there are no wmd’s in iraq. oops. darn it, i thought they were there. oh well, maybe next war.

i realize that a large part of america is flooded out, snowed in, or frozen over. but no where on cnn do you see the story about it. i guess it’s convenient timing for the white house to publish this memo. now we have to wait and see who they officially blame the bad intel on. we have already blamed the brits when the unofficial word was that there were no wmd’s. so will we officially blame them now? whatever happens nothing will bring those killed back to life.

the loss of life on the world’s soil everyday is so grand. i have no way of really absorbing it. but to think that the thousands of lives lost over a war started on “bad intel” is completely not understandable to me.

there is no way to repair what has been done.

clearly i am not the only person with the world’s weather forcast on their mind. earthquakes, tsnamis, snow in south texas, mudslides, all time records of snow and rain, drastic day-to-day temperature fluctuations..

it makes you think “the day after tomorrow” came out just to get our minds fictionally used to the idea of global weather patterns and climate change. because why would we listen to science?

the southern baptist in me thinks “end of times”. the rational part of me thinks i have been alive long enough to see such extremes.

it certainly puts in place the illusions of saftey or normalicy we carry day to day.

“there is no spoon”

I’m sitting here at work feeling like I want to go home. No dramatic reason other than I don’t want to be here. Today is one of those days were I am constantly reminded I am not in Austin anymore. There is a level of mediocrity that I did not experience in Austin and some days it really gets to me.

I have never worked in an office were the setting was so similar to “Office Space”. It is both comical and disturbing. With the exception of two others the entire office is post menopausal females that have worked together for some time now. I have only been here a few months and I am not aware that any one person really likes another. People put on faces and make the most of it…but it is very gossipy. There is also a woman in my workplace who I would classify as smarmy, a title I usually reserve for creepy dudes. She is a “touchy-toucherson” and her touching is starting to annoy me. I want to address her about it but I am new here and from what I observe she is emotionally volatile and I think she would freak out if addressed. Anyway, examples of weird stuff that I am not used to dealing with and so it is annoying and makes me want to go home.

Over all the moving process is both great and agitating. It’s great because you are taken out of your comfort zone and you really have to take a look inside of yourself. There is a lot of advancement that can be made in your life from such a process. I do see that I am making positive improvements to my life here like volunteering at the co-op and taking a piano class this semester. I am also walking everyday.  The moving process is also agitating because it takes you out of your comfort zone. It is agitating to be constantly uncomfortable. The process of learning a new environment can wear you down.

As they say, each day as it comes.

 

 

on our trip to see my relatives jeff and i were challenged on our marital  status. we live together and are not married. this is not a situtation i grew up thinking was okay but it naturally came to pass with my relationship with jeff. at first i was unsure about the notion but definitely now think it is the correct decision for our relationship. we are so inadequately prepared for marriage. we grew up watching our parents make a go at it thinking they knew what was right because they were adults and adults magically new what to do. i don’t know about your parents but my parents did not have a successful relationships…at all. i have been through two divorces so far in my life and none have been my own. divorce is bad enough for the two people causing it but to be attached to someone elses divorce that you had nothing to do with (even though you don’t know that as a kid) just plain sucks.

in response to the marital probing we received over the holiday “Why don’t you guys just get married if you are going to make a go of it anyway?” i said “We are trying help the divorce rate go down.” the truth is there is no simple answer for me. what jeff and i have feels right for where my life has been and where we are as people.

our lives are so long now (for most of us). there is so much change still to come for each of us in life. to share all of those years and all of that personal change with someone sounds very wonderful and very stifling at the same time. we are no longer in the age of get married when you’re in your teens because you’ll only live until your 35-40. in those days, your everyday life was living…not a lot of personal choice involved. a forced simplicity. these days, especially in the u.s., it seems you have to discover a life for yourself. there is an infinite world of lives you can create for yourself . this is wonderful and seemingly endless.

jeff and i have settled in a new place. as the dust settles i see myself looking into the horizon wondering what is out there.

i have never been much of a dreamer. not in my sleep or in my wake. i have always wondered what the true purpose of dreaming is. i tend to think of our brains as hard drives so that leads me to think that dreaming is just daily defragmentation. the dreams i’ve had in the last year or so have made me rethink what dreams are about. maybe it’s because i dream a lot more (or remember a lot more) than i used to. we recently got a new bed and i have been dreaming more. the topics of my dreams are rarely positive…at best surreal or wacky. so these negative themed dreams have been so vivid i have been visibly upset and made to question my awake life. if dreams are really a sign or reflection of your awake life then i need to make some big changes.

it’s a couple of hours before 2005.

jeff and i just got back from our required journey to visit family. i guess it wasn’t too bad. the visit with my family reminded me how much i am an outsider. my poor cousin tries so hard to get to know me and fails miserably because she tries so hard. there was calculated male and female bonding time and assumed preapproved activities for each group. the girls were to cook thanksgiving dinner (don’t get me wrong i love to cook) while the guys did, let’s see, nothing. the next day the girls were to sit on their asses and miss out on a hike that the guys were going on. fuck that. i put on my shoes and went hiking. it was a ton a fun and welcomed exercise. my cousin was pissed and her husband, the hike leader, was not pleased.

i leave my time in illnois appreciating how good my life is. i also realize how fortunate i am to have found some one who loves me just as i am…it just doesn’t get better than finding people in your life who “get” you.

branson was very surreal. it is like the right wing christians answer to las vegas. the condo jeff’s mom renting was really nice. note to self: invest in jacuzzi bathtub as soon as possible. it was good to see jeff’s mom. she is our biggest cheerleader and proud of our life in bloomington.

see you later branson. once was enough. have fun bringing comfort, entertainment, and over eating to many more baby boomers.

i have been thinking about the themes i’d like 2005 to include: i really like the quaker meeting i’ve attended…let’s keep that up; i have pretty much fallen off of the vegetarian wagon and i’d like to get back on; thought of getting head shots and trying out some hobby oriented acting has popped back into my head.

it was a long year. 2005 is starting in b-town and i have know idea what is in store. all i can do it try and stay pointed in a direction that is happy and healthy for me and my loved ones.

2004, it was good to know you.