this is my blog

i have recently gotten an itch to get a hold of some of the old atari games i used to play when i was a younger. i have found a few sites online to play. there is also a game they sell that is just a joy stick and it’s packed with 10 atari games. it is on my list of things to get.

i really like those games because my gaming abilities never developed past the time when a screen pixal was a eigth inch cube, processors were slow enough to give you some quality time to think about your next move, and you still had to imagine the other two dimensions.

the “classic ’80s games” site is the ideal scenario for the workplace. there are just a few games, no downloading, and you have to use the keyboard to manuver. so if you play right then it will sound like you are typing a memo or sending that important email that has to go out today. be sure to turn down the sound though as it is sure to be a dead giveaway.

so i have been in piano class this semester. before i registered for the class i confirmed this was the appropriate level for someone who knew absolutely nothing about music and/or piano playing and/or any other muscial device. upon confirmation of these facts i registered for the class. i had an expectation that “fun” would not be the primary basis of the class but it would go hand-in-hand with the learning process.

i get to class the first day only to learn that i am the only one in the class that has absolutely no musical experience. everyone else had either played relatively well when they were younger or played another instrument. any teacher in that situation is automatically teach to the majority situation. she decided i would sit closest to her in the piano cluster assuming (correctly) that i would need the most help.

as we got going with our material it was clear that i was not catching on as fast as everyone else. and being stationed next to the instructor was more like having some standing behind you watching you type pointing out all of your errors which you feel like you are only making because they are stalking you every move. i am not saying she didn’t have good intentions i am just explaining my perception.

the days grew on, the material got more difficult and she rarely played the pieces so we know what they were supposed to sound like. the classroom environment turned into a chokehold of intimidation. the more i asked questions the more i didn’t understand the answers. her explainations seemed more to say “just do it” than to really explain what was going on.

i had a ton of time to practice my final pieces and felt like i had mastered them. i got in a lot of practice time on sunday. i went to play them yesterday in class but had forgotten my book (with my notes in it). i was trying to practice using anther person’s book. feeling uncomfortable i started to practice and kept messing up. i got frustrated and got mad that i was frustrated…this is a very quick downward spiral for me. only a day earlier i was playing with ease but now i was f-ing it all up. i packed up my belongings and did my best to gracefully exit the closet sized room jammed with pianos. i told my instructor i couldn’t play without my book. she asked if i was coming back and i said no i would just not play the final. she thought is was nuts but i told her she just didn’t understand i and walked away (a bit more gracefully now that i was in the hallway).

when i told jeff i walked out on my piano final he thought it was overdramatic. he emailed my instructor and told her a lie of why i was upset. she mailed him back and said she thought something was up and had mailed me to reschedule. so i will play for her tomorrow.

so what is the point of this blog entry you ask? since i was a wee one i have had trouble learning. in early 3rd grade they figured out i was dyslexic and in much need of glasses. i have been a ‘b’ and ‘c’ student my whole academic career. i had to put in two to three times the amount of studying than the average student. i had a difficult time mastering  handwriting and was forced to due extra handwriting assignments (tracing letters) in addition to my regular work through the 6th grade.

no, really, what is the point of this blog entry? i have always wondered what is like to other people to learn. to describe what it is like for me to learn “reading, writing, and arithmatic” i’d say it’s like running into walls randomly until i find the doorway into the next room were the same thing happens. when i try and take a class like piano to learn something new i would probably add some kicking myself in the face to the room scenario.

so i will probably fumble through tomorrow’s pieces. the upside is i’ll probably get a ‘b’ in the class instead of a ‘d’ for not taking the final.

i will recover from this semester of ‘learning’ by a summer of yoga classes.

i am so exhausted of being misunderstood here. this exhaustion leds to boredom and that leads to not caring. i left an hour and a half meeting today being completely misunderstood. we are planning for the new dean to come in july. we have been meeting every other week to prepare for this. we are still talking about how to plan for the dean. when asked for ideas on how to best explain to the dean how things work now and how we like things to work i suggest a few things. i have a lot of experience with stragic planning and the development of vision and mission statements. but the points is bring up as steps to follow aren’t disagreed with they just simply aren’t understood…at all. it’s literally like i am speaking a different language.

quite frankly i am rarely so misunderstood. so maybe i’m just due to be misunderstood. or maybe this is fuel for my theory that this town is full of crazies. it seems like people are going through the motions of being people, people who have jobs and those jobs have purpose. it is a somewhat robotic culture fueled by mediocrity. this is also fuel for the theory that this town is a set for a reality tv series that is yet to air and only serves to bring me to my breaking point.

so it’s sunday and i’m 2/3rds into my 14 hour work day. we are open extended hours for final projects but none of the student lab monitors could pick up the hours. so far it’s been good. i was able to bring in my keyboard and practice for my final (tuesday). i think i might actually pull off a consistent beat and accurate notes for the test. i also worked through an advanced photoshop tutorial which was right up my ally. most tutorials and classes i’ve been going to have been too dumbed down for me. i washed the the inside and out of my office windows. i shutter to think the last time they were washed. jeff came by and surprised me and i took a break for about 45 minutes.

um, now i have about 5 hours left to the work day. i am growing tired. the semester has worn on for so long. i realized the other day i have not had a break since my mom died two years ago. i am in dire need of some me time. i am hoping to go camping in two weeks. this will be a good rest before i head down to texas.

i am so completely excited. jeff and i just booked our tickets for texas! kick ass! woohoo! we will be in austin/s.a. for fours days around the first weekend in june. i almost started crying just booking the tickets. it has been a long haul to move up here and settle…going back home is sweet relief.

in a matter of weeks it will be good friends, bbq, and the goddammed hot texas sun.

the previous blog i commented about my mother and her dependence on others to feel okay as a person.

i think we all think this at some point or some level in our lives. taking the step to think you are an okay person is so difficult. the neglect and abused i encountered as a kid led me to believe i was worthless. as i grew to a teen and in the college years i made some good friends and that process help me learn i something to give and receive in a friendship. the next step was romantic love. i chased away (on accident) every guy i liked for quite sometime. i grew to think that if i could just find a guy that liked me i would be set and i would really feel good about myself.

i dated a few guys before i meet jeff. the first guy just wanted sex (and vaished as soon as he discovered he wasn’t getting any) and the other seem to like me just as i was but broke up with me because i was too nice. when jeff came along he was into me for both my physical and mental beauty. i thought all of my self esteem issues were cured. i then discovered no matter how much someone is into you. if you do not feel good about yourself it doesn’t matter what the other person thinks.

i then had to take a really difficult step of telling myself i was okay–not great, not beautiful–but at least okay enough to be loved and have friends just as i am. i’ve never been good at seeing the grey area between humbleness and arrogance. and what i learned the middle ground to be is confidence which seemed awfully close to arrogant. while i am unwilling to state firmly that i am confident about myself, i can say i’ve live just long enough to see my personal progress and i can be in a room of “good” people and feel comfortable.

mother’s day used to just be an akward holiday where i would do just about anything to see my mom smile. i would get her some surprise and she would be happy and by the time mother’s day ended she spiraled down into some sort of bad mood. i always used to think i just wasn’t good enough and if i kept trying she would finally be happy.

what she really wanted was for everyday to be mother’s day. everyday meet with some sort of surprise to let her know she was special. i have gone from thinking there was something i could do to make her happy to thinking she was just unhappy with herself and depended on the people around her to tell her she was a good person. she thought if enough people told her she was good then she would eventually believe it herself.

the first ad i see for mother’s day always hits me like a punch in the face. mother’s days were always so akward and hurtful while she was alive and that has not changed now that she is dead. not just having mother’s days go by without a mother but also having that coulped her being found dead on mother’s day is a big thorn in my side. i am not sure if that will ever heal.

this mother’s day will be two years since she has passed.

i am annoyed with a lot of things lately. for instance i’m in a class right now and the instructor has a really pitched voice and it annoys the shit out of me. i’m not judging her as person because i have no doubt she is the nicest person. unfortunately due to my surly attitude i want to storm out of the screeching environment of her pitch.

this makes me think it’s time life came with a remote control. for instance, it would love a mute button right now so i could stop the sound that is making my ears bleed.

i would also like a fast forward button right now. i am over qualified to take this class but i need to provide some sort of proof that i know this software. i would be noce to have this course be 1 hour instead of three.

kill me now.

so i haven’t had a lot of time to write lately. my job has kept me busy during the day and i am pretty much worthless after work. it’s that time in the semester when you wonder if the semester will ever end. the end seems so close but there is so much to do before it’s end. i have been incredibly home sick lately. the new job was a distraction for awhile but the honeymoon is fading. the thing is that it is so hard to be around people who don’t get you. i used to be a pro at moving around. i’ve been moving around my whole life. it’s the same routine everywhere you go. there is only one place that has stood out for me and that is austin. it has a lot to do with the town but way more to do with the people who entered my life while i was there. totally and completely fabulous people. people who i didn’t have to try to get to know the connection was almost instant and more importantly sustaining.

here people don’t get me and i do not get them. some of it definitely has to do with i don’t want to get to know anyone new. i want my friends who i already have. it sounds selfish and it is selfish. i don’t regret moving here because my relationship with jeff is more complete than i could imagine. we are so good together. it blows me away sometimes. i just miss everything else like crazy…in the truest sense of  being homesick.

i will be able to go home in june. i can’t wait. my bags are pack.