this is my blog

when i was a kid i used to envy the kids whose families had money. that lasted somewhat into my teens and turned to envying the girls who were pretty (thinking i was not) and this lasted into college. except for the bad days i am past these envies. i do still have one thing i can’t seem to get past.

i’ve written about it before and it’s the line between feeling confident and being an egomanic. there are people who seem to pull it off. i think the key is to being self aware and being able to be  objective while critically thinking about yourself/situation. for matters of work this type of confidence is fairly simple. it in the small matters of life that i seem to have issue. it’s having the confidence to go out on a limb and take an art class. to go fishing by myself. now when i was single this was not a problem what so ever. there is something about being in a partnership that makes me feel uncertain about these little decisions. maybe because i recognize these decisions will affect the other person. maybe i think they affect more than they really do. there is also an issue of if i am doing most things on my own then what is the purpose of a relationship. i think most of this is cause by my perspective that is i see confidence as a line, a fine one, that requires balancing and is somewhat dangerous. instead of confidence a a state of mind or a safe zone or holding tank (holding tank?).

i seem to be doubting myself a lot these days. largely spurred by the anniversary of my mom’s death. it gets kinda crazy inside my head during this time of year. not only is their my mom’s death forever coupled with mothers day but it is followed so closley by my second least favorite holiday…fathers day. this is also an incredible sensitive time for me. i look forward to a time when i can feel more space between the pain my family has caused me and the everyday confidence and well being that i should feel i deserve.