this is my blog

i am looking forward to the weekend. i get my bike out of the shop (tune up) and will get a trailer this weekend. it will be really usful to have a “trunk” option on my bike when we head to the store. grocery shopping is handled fine with our baskets but for bulkier things we will undoubtly need for our new place the trailer will be useful. we are also looking forward to taking bosco for rides with us.

speaking of our new place. our landlord is about our age. he used to live in this house when he lived in b-town but took a job near indy and didn’t like the communute (about an hour on a state highway). we are hoping this will be a refreshing change from having a property management company run our home life.

a few things are looking like they will not be complete by the time we move in on monday. there is a nonfunctioning hot tub on the deck that needs to be ripped out (hasn’t worked for a few years). the jack ass who lived in the house before us disappeared and left the windows open for about two months (well that’s how long he didn’t pay rent) so that has caused a few problems including a burn mark above an electrical outlet by a window and mold in a bedroom closet by a window. so we are thinking we will need to put in a bit of elbow grease this week to get the place spic and span. i think it will be enjoyable for us both to put i a little elbow grease into the place before we move our stuff in. that process gives a good sense of pride for us both.

i have included pics of the house.

i am still uncomfortable at this job. i have been at this job since february and at the j-school since mid-september. there is still no one i really click with. when i think about it i felt the same way at tip. it wasn’t ’till i started hanging out after work with some folks did i feel more comfortable. at my co-op jobs i didn’t really hang out with coworkers but felt comfortable in the work place.

i’m sure it is a matter of time. moving around the physical space of the lab does not help much at all. it is also an unsual time in the j-school with the new dean on board. he seems really cool and very approachable. no one really likes change or handles it very well. when i started this job everyone scrambling to claim territory and define how things are before the new dean started.

i had another work dream. this time is was that i was laid off because the lab was shutdown due to construction in the auditorium was not complete.

jeff sent me a link that the white house is going to stop using the phrase “war on terror” and start using “the global struggle against violent extremism”.

i have a few suggestions of my own:
“world domination one war at a time”
“will war for profit”
“the global struggle for world domination”
“fixing our own country is not profitable so we will let it rot”

The phrases I imagine were cut but Bush wished we could use:
“kicking ass and taking names”
“a real life game of cowboys and indians”
“only three more years to kill before a democrat gets my office”
“blowing up evil one foreigner at a time”

so i don’t normally go around plugging websites and sending forwards BUT if you haven’t already checked this out do so: boingboing.net

i think the unsettled environments of home and work are invading my dreams. i have dreamt about work for the last two nights.

wednesday night was a vivid dream. not only was i super pregnant but i was unable to print. that’s right, i was unable to print (which was the same as having the baby) because i could not figure out the correct i.p. address. so that was a wacky, vivid dream.

last night i dreamt the i.t. manager was a serial killer. everyone in the j-school knew it because they all voted who he should kill. so in this dream world it was fairly acceptable he was a killer. the only other problem in the dream is that i had just learned i was next on the hit list. my alarm clocked saved me from being chased down and killed.

i think i dream last night was sparked because i was googling my coworkers to see what the top 10 hits were. when i googled the i.t. manager the 4th or 5th hit down was a news story about someone (or maybe him) with his same first and last name who was involved in a self defense shooting 6 or 7 years ago in illinios. i admit i have googled many people and never run across a situation like this. needless to say i am very curious to see if he has ever lived in this town in illinios.

it’s bad enough i (and a few people i know back home) get a creepy vibe from this person. but now this coincidence. i think i’ll catch up on my back episodes of cops and see if that leads anywhere.

my current assignment in photo class if self potrait. 4-6 rolls of film are to be taken of self (or and part of you) and thing(s) that represent you. this is an unpleasant assignment for me. i have a really difficult time focusing on myself. especially when it comes to the different ways one can protray themselves. somedays i feel like i’ve done (am doing) some good things and can justify my goodness as a person so i might porttray myself as a hero or model or nobel prize winner. otherdays i feel insignificant so maybe i would represent myself as a nail in the wall or a pebble on a the street. needless to say i could give an endless amount of examples.

it is interesting when you come across a common project (say a homework assignment) that makes you look into “self”. i hope i will gain some insight and beable to portray myself in a fair light.

so i am in an unusual situation. i am in the process of moving both at home and at work.

we are moving into a house in a couple of weeks. we signed the lease back in march so we have been eagerly awaiting the move. i started packing breakables as they take the longest to pack. so we have a packed up section of the house holding boxes, we are eating off of paper plates, and patching walls, etc. so our house still feels homey but it isn’t completely comfortable.

we just moved the entire multimedia lab yesterday. there is construction starting in the auditorium directly above the lab. so the is a 30-40 day “danger zone” (which i tend to take the highway to) that the equipment and persons cannot be in the lab. so a nice roomy laboratory (and my roomy office) is now crammed into the space of a bedroom.

so things are changing. we are no longer driving and are managing the adventures and misadventures of two wheeled transport. my home space is unsettled and my work space is unsettled. i am pleasantly exhausted and exercised from all of the cycling, packing, and lugging machinery.

i had a good weekend. it was unusually relaxing. jeff and i have been adding on to our bikes so we can be more functionally car-less. we are both getting a lot of exercise just going back and forth to work, groceries, etc. we each just got a rack to bungee stuff to. to come will be a from dog basket for bosco (and a pairs of doggles of course) and we will get a trailer. probably just one that you tote kids around in. they are about $300 cheaper than a cargo trailer.

we move into our house soon and i couldn’t be more excited. the packing starts…

still in the photos class. i have added some photos from my assignments.

another week starts and we will see what life brings.

when you are in a relationship with someone who has a longterm illness you is that you have to find an outlet for your frustrations and concerns. if you communicate them to your partner then several things tend to happen. first, it creates a heavier load for them in addition to their illness/condition. second, it brings on guilt. guilt that they are not normal/healthy and they have to rely on people close to them for assistance most people don’t need. third, they tend to feel like the past is being thrown in their face if you try and compare a current situation to one in the past.

so i am not saying i don’t talk to jeff about his conditions and how they are affecting me and our lives, i do. i just can’t have the sort of everyday thinking out loud conversation about concerns, what-if, and what’s the best desicion is to make, etc. with him.

so most people close to me know that jeff walks through life with “dual diagnosis” which is a diagnosis of depression and addiction. the doctors/counselors he has seen in the past believe the depression came first and the addiction came on as a form of “self medication” for the depression (undiagnosed at the time).

has has spent the last two/three years battling his way to recovery. believe me when i tell you that he has conquored more issues in this process than most of us will in our entire life. he even wrote a bio of his depression/addiciton (http://mypage.iu.edu/~jtwelty/lists/).

what most therapist/counselors i have seen in the last couple of years (and the ones he has seen) will tell you that even a good recovery process involves a bit bouncing before it settles at a high level of functionality. jeff’s bouncing has become fairly infrequent. he relapses about every 6 months.

most of the relapses in bloomington have been dirrectly connected to stress. this last relapse really concerns me because everything is fine. we are solving our financial troubles, he has a new job that he likes which he is making almost double his old salary, and we are getting along fine (these are his words too). so since there is not a direct connection to a certain stress that sent him over the edge i have a growing concern that he is slowy sliding down. he doesn’t seem to think he needs any help. he, of course, promised to get help (this is a classic addict tactic) when the most recent relapse got him in a situation where he needed “rescued” (this is a classic enabler tactic).

so he has been rescued from his perdicament. the promise to get help is not being fulfilled. i am left feeling used and disrepected. this angers me and makes me want to run away.

so what now? now i have to what every person who doesn’t want to enable does–build boundries. it involves an extensive plan. you make the boundries and know in advance what boundry comes next if the boundry before it gets broken. this process is neccesary to protect me form the “jeff the addict” who is different from just “jeff.”

people may read this and think the typical thoughts: “get away from him”; “he’s a bad person that just wants to hurt you”; etc. the truth is that i am in a relationship with a person who has a two life long conditions/illnesses that will have various peaks and valleys as the days go on. the difference between his conditions and something like cancer or diabetes the side effects are different.

the idea of him sliding down again weighs heavy on my heart. it is exhausting just to think about.