this is my blog

jeff and i are going to columbus this weekend. the is a linuxfest friday night and saturday. i am not too interested in the event but i take advantage of any opportunity jeff will travel for. there is a few things going on nearby the conference that i may check out (octoberfest). then again the hotel has a hot tub so i may not venture too far away…

i find myself really homesick the past few days. even though we have met some cool folks, i still largely feel like people don’t get me. i still think it’s just a different culture here. sometimes i wish there was a way to slowly become introverted or maybe more hermit like. i would then be able to explore more facets of life and hobbies and such. there is something i enjoy about being around people. there is something inside of me that just takes over when i’m interacting with people.

people here are very unlike texans. there is a certain charm that most folks in the south carry with them. we have a way of ineracting with people. we have a way to make a small comment to make someone smile.

i think something that is lacking here for me is quality female friends. i work with dudes, i’m married to a dude, and most of the tech field/hobbiests are dudes. i need some female friends who have a great sense humor, who know what elbow grease is and all with out the annoying feminist spin on everything. i don’t need a label to tell me what being a real women is, it’s a “i just know ’cause i live it everyday” kinda thing.

this blog has already covered some of my past. i grew up in a situation that i savored refuge from. that refuge for me from an ealry age was church. i accepted jesus into my heart at age nine. i have yet to experience as a sincere and powerful moment as that day at the ‘ little christian mission’ in hempstead texas. from nine ’till about 22 church was a big part of my life. i was the only person in my family to attend regularly if at all. i was involved in a lot of youth groups as we moved from town to town. we were typically within walking distance of both church and school or there was a bus or neighbor to tag along with. i have been to all kinds of churches from the bible beaters to the non demominational to luthern and methodist. i do not feel i was/am a christian as modern day american christians are currently defined by main stream society (as judgemental hypocrites who live a hollow life).

i was reading a bio of one of my employees on facebook.com and he had listed jesus first in his list of interests. one of my coworkers was recently scoffing at that. knowing the employee who made jesus reference on facebook, he doesn’t seem to be a typical in-your-face christian. he doesn’t take every oportunity to thank jesus…actually aside from the facebook bio i have not noted anything religious.

i found myself thrown that my coworker thought that i would be the type of person that would join in on his scoffing. don’t get me wrong if this dude wore a “i heart jesus” macaroni necklace and shouted “praise the lord!” everytime an application launched, i would be the leader of the mockery parade.

i consider myself to have a strong christian background. like most, as i aged i began to question a lot about the church, the bible, and the significance of other religions. but after this conversation i began to wonder what sort of signal i give off to others. i knew people well enough back home that i didn’t really have to focus on it. maybe this is a casual wake up call.

and as i progress in my 30s i certainly have a desire to be active in a church. this, to me, is the hardest part about being christian. to find other people who believe as you believe is difficult. the management of the church in itseld is a critical factor. a church that is not democratically run, no role with social justice and environmental affairs, is just not for me. then to find traits like this in a church comes just a strong stereotype as the modern christian super church (McChurch) i do not support.

i love music. such a generic and empty statement from someone who doesn’t play an instrument or take the luxury of buying lots of music and affording lots of live shows.

i listen to music about 40-50 hours a week. i could never have a job that i could not listen to music. music is so versatile. you can play it at most any occasion from the day to day rut of a job to a wedding to an elevator. you can listen to it,  go see it played or learn to play it. sort of like a sport without all the running.

today i am using music in a way most of us do from time to time. i am using it to change my mood. for those whom music is a big part of life, they know of it’s drug like qualities. hearing the first few beats of your favorite song and your whole body reacts.

i am very tired today. i had a rough evening and not enough sleep. even my precious coffee bean is not doing the trick. surfing my itunes for a pick me up and my usual musical pleasures will not do the trick today. so i went to the music store for a fresh batch of tunes. i bought something and within minutes i am feeling like i can get through the day.

dick clark once noted: music is the soundtrack to life. way to go dick, i couldn’t agree more.

on sunday jeff will turn 30. we will then both be “in our 30s.” we each took/are taking the milestone differently. i was glad to hit 30. my 20s were an important learning curve filled with ample lessons learned to take to my 30s. i’m sure the decade of my 30s with prepare me equally for my 40s.

i am not sure jeff is taking 30 so well. he tends to give off hints of concern about aging in general. and the other day he asked me to stop making reference to his “30th” birthday party. i think we were/are equally reflective of the birthday. it makes you really take a look back and see how far you’ve come in life and what it took to get you there. jeff tends to think, as most of us do, that we are the only people with our particular life situation. as he meets more and more people he is discovering that he is not the only one in his shoes especially when it comes to academic goals.

i finally got him to agree to have a small party. so just yesterday we sent out an invite. with such short notice i am not sure how many people can make it. so i hope it doesn’t turn out that he finally agrees to a party and then no one can make it.

i am crossing my fingers that folks will be free.

time is such a miracle worker. time really does help heal. time pulls a powerful force of perspective. i was talking to a good friend last night i hadn’t talked to since my visit back home. he caught me up on what was going on in his life. during the conversation he mentioned he hung out several times with some folks we all used to be friends with. his conversation sparked my memories of our group. after many years of being close friends, and the ups and downs that come with that, we had a falling out that, in my mind, was never reconciled. so it is interesting to see that several friends in that group and a couple other good friends are still in frequent/close contact. so if all of these folks are hanging out again or continued to hang out, what does that mean? i was exploring that idea last night (not for the first time). i’ve always felt horribly misunderstood during that time and i guess i still do. for the first time in my life it felt like my friends didn’t know what i was going through and didn’t allow me to depressed/sad/grieve over my situtation.

i’ve blogged about the situation before (my mom slowly losing her sound mind before suddenly dying) but not through the perspective of the breakdown of this very important friend group i was apart of. the friend i was speaking to last night had his own issue that was apart of this breakdown.

so if everyone is still in contact but me then logic would dictate that i am in the wrong. that i shouldn’t expect any apologies but should be giving them. the only things i felt like i did “wrong” was be sincerely depressed and confused about my mom. i felt my sadness was treated more like an inconvenience–a problem that was coming up at the wrong time and should just go away. why should i apologize for needing alot of support, really needing to lean on my friends?

talking to my friend last night made me realize that i still feel sad and hurt by a few people. this may sound silly but for a person that grew up more or less w/o a family, friends are truly a treasure.

i have never owned a bike that wasn’t a cruiser. it wasn’t ’till just about 4 years ago that i owned a bike with gears and hand brakes. so let me just say: i was born a cruiser and will always be a cruiser.

our car-less life is coming along fine. we enjoy the exercise the bikes give us. bloomington is pretty big bike community. a coworker has been inspired by us and has started biking in to work.

i am finally putting up pics of my bike with the trailor attached.  i was taking pics at the btown festival. jeff and i ran a linux table at the event. to pics of both the event and my bike are posted.

jeff and i recently enlisted into the world of pay television. there was already a satellite on the house and no reception (not even local) so instead of taking the high road and ridding our lives of television we decided to get directtv. i mean how else would we know we are americans?

i love to cook and so i tend to watch the food channel. i was watching one day when an ad for a contest came on. the contest was to invent your own ice cream flavor. they are flashing names of ice creams on the screen and swirling images of ice cream in the back ground. the announcers voice excitedly announces the prize: the contestant with the best ice cream flavor re3ceives an opportunity to see their flavor sold by a major ice cream retailer. your brain immediately reacts with glee to the announcers voice. then you think ‘what the fuck did that announcer say?” that’s right folks. if your ice cream actually makes it through the contest you win…nothing! not an “inventor’s fee”…not free ice cream for a year…not your name on the ice cream…not jackshit. just the opportunity to be exploited by a major corporation.

gee thanks but that happens every time i purchase anything! so food tv can take their contest and shove it up their ass.

got some new pics of bosco in the photo gallery.

in the last couple of weeks he has trapped a bunny under the deck (barking endlessly in excitement), killed a mole and made it’s carcass into his new play toy, and dug up several toys a previous canine tenant has buried.

the good side of it is that he is having a blast and not destroyed my tomato plants.

so many things have already been said…all the points have been made…conspiracy theories have been launched.

personally, my heart just aches.

specifically for all of the people who were just getting by before the storm. people who grew up like i did raised by a single parent living paycheck to paycheck. praying the car won’t break down, my kid won’t get sick, and prioritizing paying bills by service cutoff dates. a walking on eggshells, holding you breath, crossing  your fingers, working 2 to 3 jobs kinda thing. to put all of the effort you can muster into a basic survivalist existence and then to literlly have it all swept away.

i can imagine the survivors sanity is bouncing between hating god, being thankful for being alive, and wondering if things wouldn’t have been better if the storm had just taken you as well.

nowhere to go, nowhere to be from. needing to start over with no ground to walk on.