this is my blog

for thanksgiving jeff and i went to a friends house and ate with their family. i think it was a win-win situation. jeff and i had didn’t have to worry about traveling or family stress/wierdness and the family we went to eat with was apparently on good behavior (reportedly) because their were guests present.

after we ate and went home i experienced “that feeling”. it’s a feeling i get after experiencing someone else’s holiday. it is only this year that i seem to be able to put it into words. it’s a combination of grief and worthlessness. the grief is from the loss of the family i have a vague memory of and the worthlessness is from an assumed reason of why these people vacated.

as it comes time to make plans for christmas it seems best to stay in and just have a small christmas with jeff. the more i get out and try and have holiday with the kind people who invite me into their homes the more i get “that feeling”. i guess it feels like pretending to have a family and seems to exponentiate “that feeling” or i just feel like more of an outsider than i did at the beginning of the event.

the catch of all of this is that i generally do not hate the holidays (clearly there are many details to curse of course). i would like to be the person that hosts the holidays at their house. i’d cook up a storm, play only respectable christmas carols, no massive gift exchange, games movies or whatever…i don’t know it sounds good in my head anyway.

jeff’s dad popped into town a few days ago. his visit, as usual, got my blood pressure boiling. it always brings back all of the pain my dad has caused me. i can’t speak for jeff or his brother but i feel abandoned by my dad. my dad has been completely out of the picture for some time now but he used to be like their dad. he would just pop into your life at random times making promises he would never keeping. asking you what you wanted for your birthday and never sending anything or giving you a call. disappearing until the next time he felt guilty about abandoning his kids (i can only assume) and call again.

this was torturous for me as a kid and i think a special torture for my mom. on one hand she wanted to protect me from that pain at the same time she feell for the charm he would put on when he was popping in. then the anger would come and i couldn’t understand her anger because i was hurt and so we tended to not talk about it at all.

another thing that annoyed me is that my dad took better care of his stepkids (and grandkids of step kids) than he did his own that he was responsible for actually being on the earth.

this has been one of the most intense weeks i have had in recent memory. it’s one of those things were no matter where you are somebody seems to want something from you. i think everyone working in academia is feeling the midsemester crunch both students and faculty are at full speed ahead with projects. i have been pulling about 55 hours weeks as of late.

so work is busy (really fucking busy), i have started a class so there is that classic cloud of homework following you everywhere you go like a stalker, we have started filming a documentary which is great experience for me but i am not completely confident i my skills so the process is taxing (there are also two people who want to be in charge of this project and have differening opinions about the process), we have taken in a new dog to foster care for a few weeks and, as lovable as she is, she has some sort of nervous tick where she hacks (like a throw up a little bit in your mouth kinda of thing) so first thing in the morning, and everyother point in the day, there is old man hacking echoing in the house,

oh, let’s see, speaking of the house, we have ants. the ants showed up right before our toilet suddenly stopped working and starting backing up into our shower. that incident escalated when our landlord tried to fix the clog and came out of the bathroom and said “I broke your fucking toilet.” well great this will be the second night i do not have a pisser or a shower. he gets a new toilet only to put on the old toilet seat that is too short for the bowl  and the base of the toilet is shorter as well so you can now see a few layers of linoleum. so $50 dollars later i have put on a new toliet seat and new rugs to hide the floor.

moving on. the ants started in the bathroom (pretoliet incident) which is really weird. let are coming in the sink drain…after toothpaste i guess? now they are where you would expect in the pantry and in the recycling. jeff took the recycling storage out. you’d think we live in filth but we don’t the house has definitely been dirtier than normal but more in the i-need-to-vacuum-and-wash-clothes kind of way. so i guess we will be spraying the hell out our house (which is no longer “very cute” in my mind). watch out ants it’s time to meet your maker.

i am hanging on by finger nails until t-day break where if all goes well i’ll have five precious days with no work.