this is my blog

for the past few years i have been able to take off the week between christmas and new years. most years i’ve not traveled the whole week and that has given me a lot of time to reflect. this year we went nowhere for christmas and have nowhere plans for new year’s.

at the beginning of this week i have a lot of things digesting in my mind. 2005 has been an incredibly challenging year, i have been faced with a lot of desicions while still battling homesickness and the lack of people i really click with here. i feel worn out at the end of it and truly greatful for this week off to decompress and rest.

one of the interesting things on my mind is that with a week with no work in front of me…i feel empty. this is not a good feeling and it only means that work has been covering a void for me. i feel certain this void is spiritual as i am looking back at an entire year in which i have hardly gone to church much less found a comfortable place to attend.

the lack of energy to find a “church home” is happening with other places in my life too. there is a clear desire to do something but i cannot just seem to get up and do that thing. most of the things are events/activities jeff has no interest in so i need persue them on my own. so i guess finding balance with feeling comfotable doing stuff on my own without jeff. it’s not that i am scared or lack ability there is just some sort of hump i have been trying to get over and haven’t so far. i hope this is something that will change this year.

it has been a year now that i have kept this blog. it is a real milestone for me. i have never successfully journaled for a measurable amount of time. i feel a real accomplishment and satisfaction. it is good to look back and see how i’ve grown, what things still bother me, and the self-hilarity i have shared with the world.

i am feeling frustrated and unsure today. not about anyone thing in particular it’s just a mentality that seems to be encompassing me. maybe just a day closer to crazy. maybe there is a desitiny i am not pursuing and it is slowly working it’s way out. maybe it’s pms (remember it’s a gateway to your emotions not an escalation of emotions).

in other news…it’s colder than an iceskating popcicle drinking a slushy. we haven’t broke above the freezing mark in about a week. we are forcast to get 3-6″ of snow tomorrow. the beauty of the snow always make the cold worthwhile.

well this is just another day.