this is my blog

in my efforts to fill myself spiritually, i have been searching for a “church home” since i’ve been in bloomington. i think i’ve written before that i found a place that i only so-so like but is reminiscent of a place back in austin where is had falling out of-sorts. i believe i have also written about my off and on about my interest in messianic judaism.

today i attended said church. i attended the 9:30 service at the request of the pastor because the church is going to two services and the college students are back in town. there was also mention of more traditional hymns being sung in the first service. growing up in the south one can grow a fondness for hymns. so i got up and at ‘em this morning and made the 9:30. i scout out a place in the sanctuary and have a seat. as we stand up and sing i noticed i am sitting right behind one of my employees. i knew this would be weird but i thought to make it less weird i pretended as if i did not notice him and enjoyed my churching. as we leave he sees me right away and says “well, this isn’t creepy at all…” i explain that i am not stalking him and this is just another awkward incident in each of our lives. i head out of the sanctuary and on my way to the ‘community tables’ (which means church community and not the ‘real’ community as i thought it did). i run into another employee which didn’t surprise me because he and the other guy are good pals. after a semi awkward encounter with him i mosey over to the tables only to learn there was no where to sign up for habitat for humanity, to feed the homeless, only opportunity to get involved with the church community. it’s not that i don’t want to be involved with a church it’s that i’d like to be doing the above activities via a church.

after the community tables i head to the ‘adult community group’ (a.k.a. grown up sunday school) i had gone to a c.s. lewis one last year and it was enjoyable. this time i wanted to try an international group with the theme of ‘exploring christianity’. to me this seemed like an opportunity to get share cultural perspectives on how different countries worship the christian god. but what i learned is that it was set up to make sure the international students who came to the church had a bible, knew how to use it, and knew about jesus. so i other words another evangelical opportunity to save souls. i stuck with the group for the hour and did learn some interesting things (as is my motto in life).

as my mind turns here’s what’s spinning around inside of it: i will not go back to the church i’ve been going to. not because of the two guys (they are cools dudes no questions asked…but i need a place to spread my wings and i , at least initially feel impeded) i work with attending and us all being a bit creeped out by seeing each other…but because i am done with evangelical churches for awhile. i am exhausted by the save-you-to-become-a-powertool-for-christ. there is little room for doubt and debate of christianity or the americanized church. i have also never been drawn to serving overseas, not because i think it’s wrong but because there are son many people in our own backyards that need assistance and i think that is were all churches should start. a lot of churches that focus on backyard issues (in my experience, are the catholic/branches, the quakers, and the unitarians. i have tried almost every kind of church there is and i like many things about them all but none have been my ‘comfortable shoe.’

so i am inspired to explore the world of judaism, especially the messianic sect. i’m sure they are the black sheep of judaism but there is a connection i feel to this group as i read about them. looking online today i have discovered a basic judaism class being held at the university’s hillel center. looks like it starts this week…

there is a lot going in life right now. typically my crunch in life at this point on the calendar would be that classes are starting. anyone working in academia is feeling the balls out sprint to get everything ready for the invasion of students coming to town. this week has been my hardest week in some time. i pulled an 11 hour shift monday, a 13 hour shift tuesday, and about 10 hours wednesday-friday. the sad part of it is when you work those hours and there is still so many more tasks to complete. i should be pulling 13 hour shifts this weekend to get everything complete. i’m still thinking of going in on sunday but we will see how i feel when it’s time to walk out of the door on sunday.

the event in my life right now that should be bringing me to my knees isn’t. actually, it seems to be happening all too casually which, of course, is very telling. this is the type of event that changes your life and is a catalyst for defining what you really want out of life and also what you need to be content on a daily basis. i sense i don’t actually want or need a lot but there are specific things in each category.

i listen to music a lot. all day at work, frequently i listen to my ipod on the way to and from work, and i listen to my ipod most saturday mornings as i’m cleaning house before jeff wakes up. so that is roughly 50 hours a week. this blog is titled ‘windfall’ because it’s a song i find comfort in these days. the song is by the band ’son volt’ and the album is ‘trace’. it’s more accurate to say that most of the album is comforting to me these days. son volt transmits a fair amount of ache in their music. the ‘ache’ comes through vocals, muted guitar chords and just enough steel guitar to turn your thoughts inward.

on thursday jeff and i got back a vacation in texas. this is the second texas adventure for me this summer…jealous much? this trip we hooked up with jeff’s brother, jeremy, for the trip. after staying two nights and a day in houston we headed to kerrville for a family reunion that was on their dads side of the family. there are some real characters on that side of the family: truck drivers, bull riders, and country singers oh my. mullets aside, the event was reasonably entertaining and a true texas family event. it took place in a local park and the bbq grill was literally 20ft long. we did our obligatory visit and headed back to the hotel room fairly tired with plans to meet their dad for breakfast the next morning. after breakfast and some tech support from the guys for their dad we hit the road for our long drive to south padre island.

we had reservations for a hotel at the end of the island with beach access. we had an ocean view from the two windows in the room and just enough room outside to classify a ledge as a balcony. jeff has been wanting to go gulf fishing for sometime now. i really enjoy fishing too but my goal was to spend as much time in the water as possible. my goal was to get in an official snorkeling trip and hit a few spots around the island for some unofficial snorkeling. jeremy’s goal was to kick it on the beach and max his relax. he had an injured ankle so that put a wrench in his plans to a certain extent. jeff got his fishing itch scratched (he caught a puffer fish) and we saw some dolphins at the pier. he also got time to fish on his own. while i share the love of fishing i do not share the endurance he has. he has been known to fish through the night.i got to snorkle which was very exhilarating. jeremy got some beach time in and showed some improvement in mobility when jeff and i were able to acquire a quality pimp cane for him in mexico.

short story short, we had a blast together. we each had time to hang out on our own. we tried some new places together as well as visited a few places we usually visit on a padre visit. the best new place we tried was dolphin cove oyster bar in isla vista park. i will never ever go to padre again without visiting this place…obsessively. it’s a small, open air dive with sand volley ball, fresh shucked oysters, and a great view of the water from your barstool. if you ever want to see the full moon rise over the ocean this *is* the place.

one of the more enjoyable aspects of the trip was kicking it with jeremy. he and i had great bonding moments in addition to some sincere, quality discussions. as time goes on it seems he and i are each surprised by the number of things we have in common and the similar mentalities we share. i walk away from that trip no longer thinking of him as a brother-in-law but as a friend.

a couple of fridays ago i woke up and i wasn’t feeling sick just really tired; an exhaustion of sorts. i reluctantly went to work, you know that overwhelming, almost guilt ridden, feeling that you’ve got to go. somehow if you take a day off you will be less loyal…less of a company man.

i rode in to work, locked up my bike and opened up my office. after logging in and trying to check email i started to well up with tears for no apparent reason. i tried to suppress my tears and my emotions and it didn’t work. i came home. i decided to leave work and come home for the day. i started crying pretty hard on the way home and almost had an asthma attack (they are very rare for me). as soon is i made it into my house i lost and cried for at least an hour solid. i kept searching for the reasons i was so upset. the night before i had a big fight with jeff. not for anything he did but for reasons i didn’t understand myself.

i think i’ve mention on this blog before that i am at a loss in my life right now. i sense that this emptiness has been growing inside of me for some time. the initial non-approval of my promotion at work is what triggered a full blown reaction. that rejection at work (the area in life that i am most confident) mixed with almost two years of being in bloomington (which marks having a formal recommitment to my relationship with jeff) has triggered some deeply rooted issues for me. i was/am currently forced to analyze the significance of my relationship with jeff while also analyzing the significance of my job. those are two of the biggest areas of my life and to have them both shaken at the same time is troublesome for me to deal with.

the real issue for me is how to grab a hold of my life (as much as the illusion that we *can* grab it will allow). i am asking ‘What is good for me?’ and how do i obtain that. i am not very good at being self focused. it is my nature to be concerned for others. most (let’s say 2/3) of this caring quality i attribute to being raised by an illinois farm girl and and being blessed by god to be born a texan. the rest of this giving-to-others quality is because i hold little worth for myself…i see other people more valuably than i see myself. this is polite way i say i have a very poor self esteem. my self esteem has improved with age but i struggle identifying myself as a good, hard working person and believing i am valuable and worth loving.

the weird thing is that i know the exact reason i feel this way. i, like many people out there, were cast away by one or more parent. for me it was both. i was left behind at the age three by my biological ‘mother’ (a.k.a. the egg donor). at age 12 i was left behind by my biological father (a.k.a. the sperm donor). neither of these people kept in touch with me much less supported my emotionally or financially. my step mother (a.k.a mom) took me in and regretted the decision as time went on before she went crazy and died in my late 20’s.

i thought life worked that when you finally figure out why you feel a certain way that solved the problem or at least revealed a path to solving or healing the problem. it seems more like when you figure things out you are done flailing in the water and it’s not still the mud settles that you will be able to see things clearly.

i do not think i’m completely done flailing but i am really looking forward to some clearer water.