this is my blog

i just saw little miss sunshine. even though it is not a wes anderson movie it had some reminiscent of some of his characters. a dark comedy filled with sarcasm. the characters are all flawed, as we all are, but there is a begrudging acceptance that the characters have of one another. it’s not in the nice your family so i have to love you sort of way, it’s more of you-are-so-bizarre-i-do-not-know-how-to-process-you sort of thing so until the craziness passes i’ll just keep moving forward. the characters also seem to have a realization at the end of the movies to be who they are on the inside. this is usually reached by a series of events that are both hysterical and incredibly sad. everyone’s hopes and dreams smash together at once. i love it. time after time the awkwardness i share with the characters sends me to tearful laughter.

i wish i could see life more often with this sort of lens. we all experience such awkwardness and sadness and pain but we seem unable to freely share it. i hate the days when i let other people’s action really affect me. instead i’d like to be able to visualize them as a wes anderson character. this would enable me to laugh while while also mustering up some respect for the pain they may carry.

there was a character in the movie tonight that had taken a vow of silence. i was intrigued by the character because he had such angst for life and simply chose to participate in his own way…by not talking. i feel like all i do is talk. i wish i could turn my talking off sometimes. take a vow of silence, grab a pen and pad and take life on one angst ridden day at a time. i like to talk largely because i truly enjoy making people laugh. i think it is my one real gift. when i’m in a bad mood i can have a conversation and i will be brought away from that mood within minutes. it’s cool i guess but i wish i could stay mad sometimes. maybe if i talked less i could tap into my angst a bit more and wield it like a sword on the world. it seems if you stopped talking you would feel more. not being able to emote through verbalizing would cause you to think out your emotion or i guess just bottle it up to power the angst.

i’ve made it through another week of work and life. it’s a quiet saturday in bloomington. it is overcast, cool, and rainy outside. a good thing when you want to make sure your saturday will get going at a slow pace. a mug of fresh brewed coffee always tastes better on the weekend in the comfort of your own home.

my week wasn’t as busy as it was planned to be. i have some specific tasks that have been taking about 15 hours out of my regular work week. i have been fairly detached from my staff members (there are four new members). typically i can keep a closer eye on them and fine tune the training they’ve received. so far there have been no major upsets and i’m thankful.

school has definitely kicked into full speed this week. details of my scuba classes are getting more complicated. mastering neutral buoyancy is incredibly challenging. i had an ecology test this week too. it kicked my ass. with the 10 point curve, i brought home a “d”. the professor did give some good study advise though. he suggested instead of rereading the things you do not understand, to try write them in your own words the old who, what, when, where, why. or the simple question of “what is the point?”. i enjoy a lot of the topics in ecology but the depth of each topic is a bit of a buzz kill. i think ecology will be an excellent but difficult expansion of my brain. a rethinking of thinking if i may say so.

it’s sunday morning in b-town. one of the nice features of bloomington is the nature sounds. i can sit in my living room with the windows open and hear nature. because bloomington is so forest-y it a haven to birds, bunnies, chipmunks and a variety of bugs.

this morning i woke up from a good nights sleep. the weather has been so nice that i’ve had the windows open for at least a week solid. the moments that i lay in bed in the morning contemplating getting up i have an orchestra of birds and bugs. it’s something i always just associated with camping until i moved to b-town, especially the house i live in now.

i have enjoyed being without a tv for a couple of weeks. i have listened to music and just plain sat around relaxing. i have been looking inward a lot lately. there are so many questions i’m asking myself as i replay the last five years of my life over in my head.

i’ve been studying for awhile tonight. as i bored with genetics, i got way to into updating my facebook.com profile. i also uploaded some new pics on this blog but they are not showing up for some reason which sucks rocks because i just upgraded my service with blog.com.

there’s lots going on that i cannot really write about. i need to let some time pass before i write out of respect for another person. let’s just say my life is taking another turn. it was somewhat predictable but largely unexpected.

i find myself exhausted but optimistic and full of an almost “fuck you” mentality in managing most aspects of my life. i think i need to take up running, or sprinting, because i am very anxious or unsettled or something. maybe if i did aerobics every night for an hour i’d be able to focus or settle down…heck, i’d settle for passing out even.

it’s been awhile since i’ve walked through life with an edge. but i have one and it’s very sharp right now. i need this edge to cut out a new focus in life. thinking about my future with nothing in the way only with more life experience under my belt is refreshing.

well, this is probably the most random, pointless post i’ve ever made.

i started the semester taking to classes (5 credits) and am now taking 3 classes (7 credits).

i am so excited to be taking introduction to scientific scuba this semester. i have a recurring dream that i can breath underwater and in these dreams i go on wonderful underwater adventures or just spend what seems like hours swimming around. i learned about iu’s diving program last semester and will be able to squeeze in several of the programs scuba and science classes that will count towards my degree before i graduate.

tuesday was our first pool day. we got a fast tutorial on the equipment and hopped in the shallow end and got to scuba-ing. to consciously breath under water for the first time was completely life changing. it is so comforting and so liberating. i know i want diving to be a part of my life forever. so this morning is when i added my third class, scuba certification. i can’t afford it or the book at all but i’m doing it. i could take the course next semester but if you take it this semester you get to dive in the local quarries. so this is too exciting to pass up.

over all i seem, according to the 6 page form i filled out, better-than-healthy enough to dive. the professor did mention that if you are unable to clear your ears on a plane then that could be a problem as we go deeper in the semester. i’ll need to visit an e-n-t so i can get some professional advice about my ears. i know i have some sort of oddity with my right inner ear but nothing that has ever been a red flag. usually before i fly i take a decongestant and that helps with the ear clearing, so hopefully i will not learn of anything that cannot be easily treated or permanently repaired. i do not want to put all my eggs in one basket but i haven’t been this excited since i feel in love with graphic design.

i think this experience has kept me sane with in a very insane week. in addition to the long hours i just dropped 200 big ones for this semester’s books…