this is my blog

thanksgiving kept getting closer and closer this year and just couldn’t figure out why i wasn’t “feeling” the holiday. i had noted the halloween to christmas transition in the stores the clearest marker of all that the gut busting day was on the horizon. the staff of students i manage were asking about time off and getting their shifts covered as they realized we were not shutdown for 7 days in a row. students and faculty alike were buzzing around to finish projects due before break.

it hit me like a ton of bricks when i got directv suspension reminder in the mail (i had suspended my account a few months ago to see how productive i could be without the ol’ picture box.) since i have not participated in the advertising world the box provides, i have not had that army of autumn laced commercials living in my head. to celebrate this epiphany, i called directv and formally cancelled my account.

don’t get me wrong here. i’m not one of those people who think tv is evil. i’m still, very much, a 10-year-old when it comes to watching tv. when it’s on the box owns my mind. i have the discipline not to turn it on but once it’s on…i’m off. i think i would have spent my thanksgiving the same either way but i liked going into the holiday thinking of it no different than any other long weekend.

i did cook a quaint meal for t-day and had dinner with a friend. i had *a lot* of time to to chill out. i have been needing a real break for several months now and this break is the first opportunity. i’ve been thinking about my future and what options lay before me. as the year comes to a close these thoughts will begin taking up more space in my head.

so i got my ecology test back last week and i made a 73. to be clear that is a 70 plus a 3 point curve.

i could cheer and have a party that i brought my test grade about 12 points but instead i’m going to complain about how much i studied and studied and studied and studied for that test and could only muster a barely c. it sucks and i am completely disenchanted with studying…at all. at this point i’d rather not study and do poorly/fail my class than study really hard and have the same thing happen.

as kurt cobain said “i feel stupid and contagious”

the first play i was ever in i was 8 or 9 years old. it was the children’s christmas play at the little christian mission in hempstead texas. i was one of the three wise men (the one that brought frankincense if i remember correctly). the play was going along well until the joseph character missed his queue. the play halted momentarily because they did not train us mini-actors to deal with such a situation. complete silence filled the small building as all of the cast and audience stared at joseph. out of no where i was compelled to say joseph’s line…and i did. it was an awkward moment for all but the play got back to the heart stopping action of jesus’ birth. i was immensely proud of myself for what seemed to my the single handed saving of the christmas play.

i have fond memories of that play and i still harbor happy memories from that church. it was the first nondenominational church i ever attended. it was about 6 blocks from my house and it had a band instead of just a piano what 8 year old doesn’t think that rules. it marked the start of my acting ‘career’. for about 10 years following, both church and acting were my refuge. both provided an opportunity to be away from the reality of my life at home. there were, of course, other opportunities like school but these two were the most embracing.

church was embracing because it was the only place, other than school, that my parents rarely visited. looking back on my young church days, i can see i was a poster child of sorts. i was probably one of the only kids who went on there willing and all by themselves. and to add heavenly bonus points to the situation i came from an abusive, poor family. i always felt accepted at the churches i attended when i was younger. there was never any sympathy to my situation (except for scholarships to church camp, etc.) and no one asking about why my parents weren’t around…i was just treated like all of the other kids.

as for acting it’s not that is was embracing…it was comfortable. it’s one of the few things i’ve participated in that has just felt right. not in a spiritual awakening kind of way…it just felt very normal and necessary…kind of like breathing. i like watching people and i definitely enjoy mimicry. something snapped in me when i had to move at the end of my junior year in high school. i had a great offer to stay and live with a friend of mine’s, anita vantrese, family for senior year but my mom would not hear of it. ever since that move i caught a scorching case of stage fright. it’s not so much that i feared the stage but i just became overwhelmingly aware of people watching me be it my costars, the audience, or the camera lens. i become rather paralyzed when this happens…i’m good at ‘acting’ like it’s not happening but it does indeed still happen.

my acting career ended when i was a freshman in college. i was a theatre major (with a computer science minor) my first semester of college. i blew my beginning of semester auditions because i completely forgot the rest of my first monologue and had to ask for lines. i got complemented on my monologues but only for having the courage to stay up there and preform my second monologue. i was able to continue with the semester but i struggled. i’m not sure if i would have kept going with theatre my second semester. it didn’t matter at the time ’cause i didn’t have the funds to pay off my first semester nor to continue with a second semester.

i guess i’m writing about these topics because i miss the times in life when i could stumble into a character, get to know them, and bring them alive for an audience. i think often about picking up the old acting gloves for a few more rounds but it never seem to get much farther than thinking. i also miss feeling comfortable inside of a church. i guess it’s more that i have not met any people recently who believe like i do. it is certainly related to my not-so-mainstream beliefs. if i was forced to self describe my beliefs it would be: christian socialist that is extremely fond of the jewish religion.

i’ve got my third test of four in ecology tomorrow. we have been learning about some cool stuff lately: life history patterns, parasites and mutualisms.

i have been recording and re-listening to my lectures and spending some serious time on flash cards. i feel pretty comfortable with the subject matter but i do not feel confident about the test itself. i still cannot spit out definitions and whatnots.

as i discuss my educational dramas with various people, the idea of self fulling situations comes up. people have stated that it’s a mental game and if i go into the test knowing i’m going to do well of pick a grade i’m going to make that i will self fulfill that goal.

i understand this concept and can buy into it to a certain point. generally speaking i am a cynic that, like many of us, has questionable esteem issues. so mostly the self fulling goal idea is a little to pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. i guess i am haunted by the idea that i would convince myself i will do really well and then get another failing grade. it think it would be really bad for me, and greater humanity, if this scenario took place.

i think a more logical scenario is that if someone had a gun to my head and my life/the existence of the world depended on me doing well the exam. i feel in this situation i could likely crap out and A or B on the test. so is it that i do not care about ecology? no way it kicks ass. is it that i really only care about getting a degree because society tells me to? hmmm…interesting notion self. or maybe i am so f-ed up in the head that i some how can preform at my peak unless it helps more people than just me.