this is my blog

there is one thing i have been enjoying a lot of lately…solitude. it cannot be enjoyed unless you are comfortable within your own skin.

over the winter break i intentionally stayed at home so i could have some time to be with self and alone with my thoughts. it was very therapeutic. a good way to conclude a whirlwind semester. giving myself time and space to think was a monumental catalyst for me to create. i spent many hours each day at my art desk creating. i was sure to stock up on raw materials before the break so if the urge hit me i could pick up and go with it. i made quite a few pieces over the holiday and am still plugging along.

i have wanted to go to art school for some time now. when i think about were that desire comes from it can point to my uncle jim. he is a modern artist in houston. it may seem funny to here that he was the most “successful” of my birth dad and my aunt. usually the artist in the family is the black sheep or freak of the family. my birth parents were painters from what i can tell. i can remember paintings on the wall at our apartment at at my maternal grand parents house that they both had done. i recall my brother was able to draw quite well too

despite all of this talent i was never fostered or mentored to go into the arts. i was raised by a nurse and therefore was encouraged to go into nursing. i really enjoy caring for people but i had seen the innards of the medical industry and did not want that as a career. i took my first art class my junior year in high school. i seemed to be able to learn the techniques and really enjoyed the changing mediums. i did not take my next art class until i was in the graphic design program at acc. i enjoyed it immensely. i was exposed to more mediums and opportunities to create. i think exposure to create with raw materials is key to being a, for lack of better words, grounded electronic designer.

last spring i enrolled into the intro studio art class in the college of fine arts (that is one great thing about the art school at iu, many classes are not restricted to majors). i was not in the right state of self to take the class. what i didn’t realize then but that i do now is that i was not comfortable in my own skin then. everything i did seemed to be for other people, namely my job and jeff. i did what those two situations deemed i should do.

i have really noticed a change in myself since jeff and i have split. it is a good change. i am experiencing a balanced self worth and a desire to pursue what makes me happy. it seems most of my life i have tried to gain my happiness through trying to make everyone else happy. wow…it feels amazing to write that because i’m not sure i’ve ever been able to form that into words before.

so the self worth and desire to pursue my own happiness are all key in how i am experiencing solitude. while i’m not sure if i’ll ever go to art school i hope i never stop making art or lose the desire to create.

something that happened at the conference was the reveal of the iphone. i, like many, want to make sweet love to this device.

i’m sitting here on the final leg of my journey, the shuttle form indy to bloomington, thinking of the iphone. i am writing this into text edit knowing i will post it on another day. it would be so awesome to be able to blog during my down time. i imagine i could psuedo do this if i had a smart phone but i don’t.

with the moves i’ve made over the last few years, i have considered switching to cell phone but haven’t. i am a cell phobe for several reasons. the first is obvious, the two year contract. second the technology/connections seem subpar considering the monthly rates. third is the price. while i know you can get just a phone for an affordable price, let’s be serious, who wants just a phone. so to recap purchasing an over priced phone, paying monthly for subpar connection for no less than two years is what keeps me a cell phobe/snob.

so now i have a new element to the switch to cell phone mix…the iphone. will i finally cut my cord and get with this revolution? if there is one man that could convince me to switch…it would be mr. jobs.

i just got back from my trip in san fran. something that i have been really aware of this trip, not by choice, is smell.

there has been so many scents forced on my delicate nostrils lately. it started at 5 in the morning the day i left. the bloomington shuttle, and bus this time, has some auto scent dispenser. while i knew i could be smelling worse things i wanted to roll down the window, which didn’t exist, and dilute my air space. it’s not that i don’t enjoy the smell of chemical created canned orange scent, except that i do, it’s just that i’d rather someone pass me an orange so i could peel it. then everyone could remember how refreshing orange smelled before it was canned.

the next smell i could not escape was on the 4 hour leg of my trip from chicago to san fran. the smell, you ask? well, little boy fart of course. it’s not that i do not understand that we need to pass gas, and i actually think farting is totally hilarious, it just the particular oder of this fart was unforgiving. i’ve not hung out with tons of kids but i feel quite certain, after these 4 hours, that little boys have their own unique fart odor. the smell, instead of being dispersed into the air, seemed to be a heat seeking missile whose target was my nose.

the third smell that really hit me was at the conference. my friend alex was having lunch with me on the last day of the conference before we headed to the expo floor. three people sat next to us and were eating. i didn’t pay too much mind to this group until the guy next to me pulled out a ziploc bag full of eggs. he proceeds to crack one open and ate it. believe me when i tell you that this egg smelled completely horrible. i shutter to think what something that smelled so bad going in would smell like coming out.

the fourth, and hopefully final for today, was more of the canned citrus smell. this was in the bathroom at the indy airport. and to top it off, about 30 seconds in the bathroom and my nose begins to bleed.

so awesome to be the tyra.

i recently started volunteering at local daytime homeless shelter. working fulltime, i do not have a ton of time to give but it has been on my heart for at least 10 years to volunteer at a shelter.

with the recently ousting of my tv i find that i have more time to be active…and more time to think. the product of this was me finally going to volunteer orientation and fulfilling this inner desire to serve the homeless. i am specifically drawn to the idea of feeding the homeless so i picked up the duty of bagel-picker-upper on friday mornings and then helping in the kitchen from 7:30-8:30. it’s not much but it was a start. i enjoyed the first few times quite a bit. i felt like helping in that kitchen was were i was supposed to be. i started the week after thanksgiving.

at orientation, the volunteer coordinator made it clear that she was going to be short on help during winter break with all of the students gone. i told her then that during break, especially christmas week i would be in town and willing to work as many hours as they needed. two weeks into my volunteering i sent a reminder that i was available and very willing to work over break. no response. the monday before christmas i sent another email with no response. the friday before christmas i sent an email with no response. i was told by the kitchen manager that the jewish community came in and took care of christmas day and he wasn’t sure about the rest of the week. he suggested i come by each day and check.

as much i love to ride my bike, i did not want to ride, in the rain, to see if i was needed or not (that is somehow too reminiscent of my childhood). so i did what anyone, who is an complete selfish asshole, would do i emailed and said i could no longer volunteer. of course i heard no response.

i immediately felt relief that i had terminated this awkward, upsetting situation had ended…at least as far i was concerned. the reality is that i am acting like a selfish asshole because i wasn’t chosen to help out during christmas. i feel frustrated that something i am so drawn to has not worked out the way i wanted to, do small weekly tasks and really give a lot of hours during break times.

as i walk the streets of san fran this week i am exposed to more of a homeless community than in bloomington. today my friend chris and i were going to a lunch place. we passed by a community center were a lot of people were in line. i caught the glimpse of a sign that said food stamps/pantry. we went by with money in pockets and bellies to be filled. we walked back to the car with full bellies and still some cash in our pockets. i do not know chris well enough to know what was going through his head. i was thinking how if i was eating alone, when i travel, i usually pack up my leftovers and can find someone more than willing to eat them.

i’m not sure how i will get back on track with serving the homeless but hope i do. they are not an invisible community to me. even though growing up we had to flip a coin sometimes to see if we were going to live without water or electricity until my mom’s next pay check, i did not ever have to be homeless when i was a kid. i do recognize that even though i have a regular job it doesn’t mean i’ll never not be homeless.

i’m in san francisco right now. i’ve been here all week at macworld. i love being here among other mac users and lovers. the first part of the conference was a bit of a let down but yesterday and today the content has been really good. and, of course, who doesn’t want to make sweet love to the iphone. it was completely amazing to be apart of the keynote. i feel i’m officially apart of apple history now.

i certainly like the setting of san fran over vegas (which is were the last conference i attended was). it’s nice to go outside and breath air, not sin. it is really nice to be in a city again. i really enjoy walking the streets of a city because of the sense of being ominous. i plug into my ipod and see the city by the songs of my own choosing. i find myself dropping my texas mosey and picking up the focused, laser like walk of city folks. i guess i do not look too touristy because i got ask directions from someone yesterday.

i’m having a bit of blast from the past while i’m as i am visiting with two friends, one from high school, alex barszap; and one from my college co-op days, chris baker. we have caught up on who still talks to who from the old days. they have taken to some delicious restaurants and cruised me around quite a few neighborhoods. i spent the fist evening with alex and we ate a great italian place and went back to his place for spilling through yearbooks. last night chris took me to a peruvian restaurant and on a great tour of the bridges and everywhere in between.

it’s so interesting to hang out with older versions of ourselves…to hear the stories that have shaped our lives into what they are today. the three of us are single 30 somethings, all professionally involved in technology in some manner, have similar senses of humors/distain toward life. i enjoy that i can still after all of these years kick it with these guys. it makes me more curious as to what being a gen-xer is and if that has something to do with this connection. but being a true gen-xer i’m not about to read a fucking book that will tell me about myself.

a highlight of the conference was being able to see kevin smith speak. he’s so funny. he’s like the only person i’ve been around lately that swears more then i do. i heart kevin smith and his embracing sarcasm.

well it’s off to the expo floor to be malled by vendors.