Sunday, April 29, 2007

nothing matters

nothing i do matters. nothing i do in life gets me farther ahead than treading water. i am sick and exhausted from life…she beats me relentlessly and i can no longer fight her. i am exhausted from always having to be the strong one but i do not know any alternative. i have already had to survive so much in this lifetime and yet i am still so young. i only know how to keep going but i no longer know what i am going towards. what i want to pursue has just be taken away and it was so close i was just starting to get my hopes up. fuck hope, it is just heartache waiting to happen. i am turning numb and angry. what is the point of being a giver in this life when the reward for hardwork is pain? why shouldn’t i be a taker like the rest of the fucking world? when you are a taker and bad things happen to you, at least you have some sense you deserve it. i swelling with bitterness and agnst.
Posted by tyrant in 15:22:44 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Saturday, April 7, 2007

nuetral bouyancy

for the last seven months i have pretty much been doing, saying, and experiencing exactly what i want. it has been fun and an adventure. my life has not spun out of control as i always assumed stepping off of the straight and narrow would lead to. it is an interesting experience to step off of your regular path because of the perspective you gain.


as i look back at my life i am findling scuba references particularly relevant. the way i’ve been living my life for the last few months is in a clear-your-ears (which you do in scuba when the water pressure builds as you descend) way. whenever the pressure builds, usually by the end of end week, i go out and and blow off steam. while this has been valuable it is wearing thin on it’s benefits (as it should) and now i am starting to turn and face my future which is unknown.

as i think about life in general i am drawn to another scuba concept, nuetral bouyancy. i do not think life’s goal should be nuetral bouyancy because that is boring but i think the process of living life is like adjusting your bouyancy. you never want to be too close to the surface or to the bottom. based on your situation underwater (i.e. depth, water temperature, air consumption, tasks) your will adjust to correct for better bouyancy.

i have quite a few things to prioritize lately and i am struggling to know what order to put them in. it’s good though to feel like i am facing the future. it’s kind of like turning towards the sunlight, it’s very bright so you do not want to look that way but then as you feel the sun warming you it’s not so bad.
Posted by tyrant in 16:40:56 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

sugar in my bowl

there is a nina simone song that has been particularly appropriate to my life lately: i want a little sugar in my bowl.


i am very fond of how she communicates her mood. the lyrics are very plain and to the point without being overboard. the casual sound of the music really conveys an image that she’s been feeling this way for awhile but too exhausted or disheartened to communicate in a different way. the combination of the lyrics, music, and her vocals are just a perfect storm in this song.

one of my itunes playlist is entitled “itch my pain.” it’s filled with songs that i find particularly thought provoking or that just strike some sort of cord in me. i play it pretty often these days as sort of a soundtrack to my changing life. this song is definitely on the list.
Posted by tyrant in 23:39:08 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Sunday, April 1, 2007

love to learn, hate to school

i am a knot of about 10 different emotions these day. a sizable part of it is negative and i will not speak of that publicly right now. another part of it is is stress and the final part is awesomeness.


the stress is coming from school. not the fact that it’s the end of the semester and i have a ton to do, because that is normal stress. it became clear to me a couple of months ago that if i wrestle through about 12 credit hours this summer i can finish my degree by taking two class in fall and spring 07/08 and graduate spring ‘08. at the moment i figured that out i have been rather attached to the idea of finishing my degree…this is a first in my life. i also decided at the beginning of this year that i would take 4 weeks of vacation this year. what i have learned so far is that taking vacation is awesome, it makes going to work very tolerable. the unawesome ting about vacation if that it is f-ing expensive even if you try and go the cheap route.

i was doing my bills yesterday and about popped a vein because i am so angry that i never have enough money to do the things i really want, like take vacation and go to school. while iu picks up a fair amount amount of my class expense i am usually stuck with a $1,000 plus bill each semester. i do what i can to make payments each month but it is never paid down until the last second before the next semester classes start. i have been lucky to find classes that fit for my degree but now that i am closer to finishing i do not have that luxury. another big component is that my living expenses doubled when jeff moved out.

when i sit in frustration by my lack of funds i often question why i want this fucking degree anyway. i have already acheived a great deal of professional success. and while i definitely have plans to save the world, what i think needs to be done does not involve a fucking degree.

so i wrestle with finishing my degree which includes (working 50-70 hours per week, being broke, and hating life) versus spending quality building a part-time design business (taking the minimum amount of school, hard work with direct results, tolerable schedule, some extra money). the nature of the design industry is that design skills and talent override degree obtained. while that is not completely cut and dry, it is largely the scenario.

while all of that and the unspoken topic is keeping me down the things keeping me up are: good friends, awesome weather, and dash of beer.

Posted by tyrant in 22:17:41 | Permalink | Comments (1) »