this is my blog

i was in a graphic design program for about a year. i loved it. i had finally, after of several years of flailing and failing in school, found what fit for me. graphic design was the perfect machine-meets-art scenario. graphic design is the only thing that fosters both sides of my brain. i loved what i was doing and my grades showed it. i had to quit school ’cause i didn’t have enough money to keep going. this marked the second time i had to quit school.

this semester i am taking an infographics class. it’s a j-school class with a professor i like and respect. initially i was excited and nervous. my excitement came from being able to sit in the designers seat again. the nervousness came from the fact that i would know a lot of people in class from working at the lab; i felt like there would be a lot of eyes watching me and judging my work. we recently completed our first assignment. overall i thought i could have produced a better product so overall my concerns of being judged have come to fruition because i produced a design that i would openly mock.

the only thing that is pseudo comforting to me is that i understand what is was about my creative process that resulted in said mockable product. i just read a book by tufte, who is like the godfather of infographics, before this project. the topic i chose for my graph project was child abuse fatalities in indiana. i found myself caught in how to portray the seriousness of death and the innocence of children. in addition i want to thwart the overdramatic crisis-headline bullshit of mainstream journalism. tufte has several key points i feel i did not follow well even though i believe them wholeheartedly: graphs are more like maps than posters…they should be studied up close; do not assume your reader is dumb; designs should be free of “junk” and have a timeless look; and if the numbers aren’t exciting enough, then you’ve got the wrong numbers. i got caught up personally by the stats because this topic is close to my heart. so ultimately i think i made a chart directed at the people who are killing their children instead of an informative piece for the general public to digest with their own thoughts.

we are now assigned the task of animating our graphs. i am excited by having an animation project because it is the area i have the least practice in. i am unsure if i dump the original idea and go for a, what i would call, generic chart look or keep with my main idea but tame it down.

i am a shadow of the designer i once was. i fear that, like theatre and computer science, my former academic foci, i will have lost my ability or reached an edge.

i don’t know about other folks but for me the learning process is challenging. it is both ridiculous and true to say that i am like an untamed horse when it comes to the learning process. i have been wild and free from formal education and in complete control of what i put into my mind (especially that i am tv free) for quite some time. while i am excited about the idea of being in school and i have chosen my subject matter willingly (or at least the lesser of evils), when i actually sit down to study, start a project or assignment, i feel forced or claustrophobic. constrained may be a better way to describe it. when i look at the whys of this phenomenon i come up with a few things: age, fear, and rebellion.

the age thing doesn’t have to do so much with the fact that i am solid decade older than most of my classmates but more to the fact that i have had time to season my thoughts as a student of life before embarking on my “higher” education. You hear everything in the classroom differently. Not in the sense that you know it all or know more than the professor…i guess you can relate to the information being given better. maybe to say a better sense of information intuition. i do not really feel i had that when i was a younger student. i learn more now than i ever did, i now understand why the information given to me is relevant whereas when i was younger i just knew i was supposed to learn it.

i have a fear of going outdoors so traveling to school is very challenging…j slash k. the fear i speak of is a quiet one apprehension or doubt might be a better way to say it. it’s the awkwardness of saying the wrong answer, the hem and haw before starting a drawing because there is no undo command, it’s hesitation of turning in a paper because there are no take-backs or do-overs, and/or maintaining diligence to follow through with a project/semester.

rebellion. i go into formal education, as a participant, rebelling against its very existence. i hate the traditional classroom environment. i really enjoy a more cooperative learning environment where the instructor facilitates your learning. The traditional setting seems more like the mama bird regurgitating into the baby birds mouth. i also rebel against instructors who seem to have no ability or no interest in teaching…i think this is seen the most at research priority universities where, in my opinion, money is more important than “knowledge, exploration, and discovery.”

these are all thoughts swirling in my head as i am settling into my life as a college senior. my struggle will ideally be rewarded with useful knowledge and a few more steps closer that piece of paper.

i just spent the morning and ealry afternoon with my friend stephen. he and i met at the j-school and have been friends for awhile now. i have a very special and sincere connection with him. we first got to talking b/c i noticed awhile back in a bio, on a syllabus, about him that he got his undergrad degree in theology. i asked him about it and after hearing him explain his reasons and experiences assiciated with his degree he assured me “i am not the kind of person you want to get into a religious debate with.” i assured him he was wrong and a couple of weeks later we were having our first mug monks sit down. we talked for an hour or so and we have been chums every since.

we got to know one another better as time went on and i think we really bonded this summer. we hang out quite a bit and every now and again we go to church together. we went, for the second time, to this church in nashville indiana which is about 20 miles from b-town. he and i really enjoy going to this church. we’ve both been to at least half a dozen churches in the area and this is the one that is the most comfortable. the whole church has a real down-to-earth and unassuming quality to it. they usually are rocking a southern hymnal or two and maybe an eric clapton instrumental for the offeratory. today they were rocking some “jesus is on the mainline” and it was awesome. the preacher was talking from ecclesiates with a “life is meaningless” message…good job preacher man. as if that wasn’t cool enough, the church had a picnic today that we crashed. good times and fried chicken.

neither stephen and i are what america, or formal religion, would call christian. in my opinion, he and i share a similar disposition about christianity. we have an unbreakable, but individual, faith in god but do not buy into the onward-christian-soldier-powertool-for-christ-beat-you-with-my-bible-until-you-believe-all-sinners-welcome bullshit that comes with being a christian in america. we are more the eat-drink-be-merry-love-your-neighbor kind of folks.

i woke up from a good nights sleep to some awesome weather this morning. i remembered to set the alarm on the coffee pot so i also awoke to the smell of coffee. i didn’t have class until 10:00 so i had a bit of time to wake up to the day. i went ot the union after class ’cause i was going to meet up with jeff. i am finally getting around to filing the divorce papers. our low budget wedding ceremony ($20 for the license and that’s it) will be matched by a low budget do-it-yourself divorce. he met me and we went and got some papers notarized for the filing process. this process is stirring up quite a bit of emotions even though he and i are still friendly. i’m sure it was weird for the notary to see us interact. in between signing papers we were catching up on our lives and cracking a few jokes. he took me out to lunch after the notary process.

i then went to give blood. i really enjoy giving blood b/c i do it in honor of my mom. i also have a pretty big chip on my shoulder ’cause i’m a universal donor. i missed the first part of my (2-hour) class ’cause donation went a bit long and i tend to get a bit woozy afterwards. i was in no condition to go to class nor to ride home so i hung out in a friends office for awhile and some face time with a friend i do not see much of these days. i end up missing all of class and go to study until dart time at the vid. “studying” turned out to be reading the paper, lots of people watching, and finding an awesome pair of shoes for $15.

i cruise over to the vid to play darts with my “school of fine darts” crew. we grab a bite to eat afterwards at the bakehouse. i cruise home and on my way i am passed by a suv-load of dudes. it the typical radio playing, guys being loud scenario you can imagine. about a block away a guy in the back seat leans out of the window in my direction and yells “fucking bicycle basket bitch!” for those who do not know, i ride a bike with a basket on it. it was a very weird, but not all bad, day today.

the first week of classes are down, now only 15 weeks to go. on friday i was sitting on my porch swing at about 4pm with both the comfort of having gotten a fair amount of work done for the day and the anxiety of not knowing what to do next. i am not used to the time flexibility that comes with student life and the ever present amount of work there is always to do. you could always be doing something if only to read ahead for the next week or start on the paper you know is do in a couple of weeks.

Most of my friends are workin’ folk so they do not get off of work ’til 5 or 6. i also do not have a tv so mindlessly droning away for a few hours is not an option. i didn’t feel like watching a movie. so what to do? i did what most other college seniors were at that very moment, getting there drink on. i relieved my anxiety by pooring a nice tall g&t, puttin’ on some tunes, and cozied back into my porch swing.

a change i did not think about was the fact that i would be going from about 50-100 emails a day, and consistent instant messaging, to about 1 email every two days. this is a weird experience for me. it is making me question my existence and my sense of purpose, as most of the emails i received were people needing assistance.

so the combination of the new schedule and the lack of people needing my assistance is toying with my head a bit. going to school is a very self centered goal to pursue and it hadn’t really dawned on me before. it always seemed like something you were supposed to do…nothing more, nothing less.