this is my blog

money:
i was all prepared to register for spring classes on monday. i spent time picking classing, choosing timing, etc. as i click “add” on my first course the page returns an errors found message. as i drill down to find out more information i see that there is a financial hold on my record. i checked two weeks ago to verify i did not have any charges (i.e. printing) on my record so i would be free and clear for registration. i did not see any charges so you can imagine that when i am staring at a hold on my record for $1500.00 i am pretty fucking pissed off and confused. i call the bursars office to figure out what is going on and they have explained to me that during the first week of add/drops i fell below the flat rate and i was refunded the difference. i totally agreed with the woman on the phone but was still not understanding why i owed money because i was at 12 hours. she and i went back and forth and round and round each of us explaining the exact same thing we had said before. in tears, i hang up on this woman because i am not being heard and there is no sympathy or concern for my problem just a “you better pay up tone of voice”. (make a note that she keeps saying “flat rate tuition” and i keep saying “below 12 hours”)

today i go to the bursars office i meet with someone and we have a repeat of the above conversation. after a minute i finally understand that flat rate tuition here at iu is 12-17 hours. supposedly on a particular day i dropped below 12 hours. the iu system refunds by day. so when i added a class the next day, supposedly, i immediately owed the money back. i am used to a system where the flat rate tuition is 15-18 hours so when i received the refund from iu i thought it was because i had dropped from 15-12 hours. during my add/drop sessions i wanted to be sure to always be registered for at 12 hours to meet financial aid requirements. so the only thing i can image (but seemingly cannot access records for) is that i was doing an add/drop around midnight so maybe at 11:55 i did have 9 credits but had added the 12th at 12:01 or something. regardless, i owe iu 1500 bucks. this cuts what i have to live on until mid-january in half.

on friday i get a bill from the irs for $357.00. yeah, it’s awesome to be me. the irs found an error on my tuition deduction and when i corrected that (meaning i had to pay in) i realized i forgot to put jeff’s loan interest down which makes the difference between paying in and a refund. so 5-6 weeks ago i submit a 1040x to correct this. apparently it takes the irs 4-8 weeks to process the 1040x but they only grant 12 week extensions. so i am at the end of the extension and the 1040x has not been processed. i was granted an additional 30 days so hopefully i will not have to pay in and then wait god only knows how long for a refund.

in the spirit of god laughing at you, during all of this money stuff i check my balance and i received my first photo intern paycheck for $17.59

heartbreak:
jeff and i had stated clearly when we separated that seeing other people was on the table. he told me in late august that he had been seeing somebody. even though i was the one pursuing the official divorce, i was heartbroken to hear this news. i was also jealous that he has found someone to be with before i had. considering how messed up his life has been this last year and especially since march, i didn’t see this as fair. i recently had a conversation with him when he came by to pay me for the divorce filing fee and there was something he said that made me think he was living with someone. he called me over the weekend to ask a music question and i asked him if he was indeed living with someone. he said yes. from what i understand he has been living with this woman since august. so he didn’t lie to me in august, he just didn’t tell me the complete truth. the news that he has moved on with love, has a new car, has a job he likes that pays well, is in a program that is helping him realize that life is bearable when you are clean and sober is all great and heartbreaking at the same time. in my heart of hearts i want jeff to be happy and healthy and at the same time his success breaks my heart. at this very moment i feel thrown away by him. i am unsure that he ever loved me. it hurts the most to know that now he is clean and sober, he has chosen someone else to share his life with. during this entire separation he has never once wanted to try and work things out with me. when i approached him about taking our separation to an official divorce he did not stop me or even talk about it. i just cannot explain the pain i feel when i think about the level of sincerity i gave to our relationship and to understanding his addition and having him initially give the relationship up so he could drink and drug freely was already so painful but now to have my-unlovable-ness rubbed in my face clean and sober is too much to bare. i feel like some sort of hate crime has been committed against me because all i was doing was my best and i have only received pain in return.

conclusion:
all of the above events have taken place within four days. i have wept, not cried, multiple times each of these days. i think there is a lot more weeping for me in the near future as i try and sort out why am such great friend material but not so great girlfriend material. over these past few days my decision to go back to school seems to be laughable. my working poor background is rearing it’s head and mocking me: is it better to know you have a descent job and steady paycheck or dabble in this middle-class illusion of education and the “better life” it is supposed to bring you? i feel like such an idiot. it will be a mother-flippin’ miracle if i actually graduate. my mind and my heart aches. i feel lifeless and numb and alone.