this is my blog

i’ve had some serious anger problems lately. i seem to be mad at everything and easily agitated. there is a heavy weight on me. i feel exhausted but my mind doesn’t ever seem to slow down. i’m frustrated by my feelings because i feel like my life is pretty simple right now. i’m just a student with a part-time job.

i think my feelings stem from the changes coming to my life. i was just getting used to the transition from working woman to student and now i’ve got to transition again. i wanted more time for consistency.

i have a lot of anxiety about moving. this is a weird emotion to experience because i am set on leaving bloomington. the thing is that is dawning on me is that i do not have ties anywhere. while i call austin home, i have lost touch with virtually every friend i have there. i have no family anywhere i am connected to or that seems to care about me. this is really an expansion of a post previous to this that i essentially have the freedom to be alone. it is this aloneness that is making me angry because it is sparking a lot of inner hostility about my past and being abandoned. i realize that my life is likely better off than if i was raised by my genetic parents. this realization should make me glad, or at least not angry, that they abandoned me but somehow it doesn’t.

it’s one thing to have your genetic parents abandon you. it’s another thing when your parent’s parents do not talk to you, your brother does not talk to you, your aunts and uncles don’t talk to you, your nieces and nephews have never met you. and then there is my dead mom’s family who wanted to stay in touch but lied to me about issues concerning my mom’s death. they also were certain to remind me that i was never her daughter because i was never legally adopted by her (my genetic parents would not allow her even though she raised me on her own with no financial assistance from them since i was about 10). then there is the thing with my brother. he went to live with my genetic mother when i was in 4th or 5th grade. i have talked to her once since then and that was in 8th grade. what the fuck did i do?!! how is it humanly possible that three sets of grams, gramps, aunties, uncles, cousins, and two genetic parents want nothing to do with me? i repeat, what the fuck did i do? i was just a kid so i know i didn’t do anything but it’s hard for me not to feel that way. are all those people selfish? do i expect too much?

another thing that has been bothering me, and oddly representing my past, is my dogs. when jeff and i moved to bloomington we moved here with my dog murry. murry was 14 and sickly. not too long after we moved here his condition, kidney failure, got worse. he had already had a surgery and there was nothing left to do so i decided to put him down. no too long after we put him down jeff wanted another dog. i was not ready to get one but he really wanted one. i agreed under the conditions that he would be the primary on feedings and walkings. we went to the animal shelter and he ended up choosing bosco who is a jack russell/rat terrier mix. bosco is a very high energy dog which was the complete opposite of murry. once we moved to this house with a doggie door the dog type chores were dramatically reduced. jeff heard about people being foster parents for dogs.  we thought it would be a good idea for bosco to have some buddies and it would be a way for us to have a non-committal two-dog household. at some point it was decided that we should permanently adopt another dog. that dog was pixie and she is a dachshund/ chihuahua mix.

when jeff and i split it was agreed the dogs were better off together and since i stayed in the house, with the dog door and backyard, the dogs stayed here. overall the dogs have things pretty descent. there is definitely always food, water, shelter. i am pretty lazy about keeping up with their shots and trimming there nails. they have no training whatsoever other than sitting for about 5 seconds to get a treat. over the last few months i have come to begrudge that they live with me. i wish jeff would take them. (i have sent him an email to ask him if he will but i’m feel very certain he will say no. he and his partner got a cat a few months ago.)

this is disturbing on several levels. first of all this is exactly what happened to my mom that raised me. she took me in when my genetic father left because it was the “right” thing to do. she came to regret the decision and told me many time throughout my life that her life would have been better off without me. this statement was hurtful, felt abusive, but was also true. secondly it is weird that i have a complaint about being lonely but want to rid myself of my canine companions. thirdly i feel like my genetic parents because i do not want to care for these creatures any more. now i realize they are dogs and not children and do not think i would treat children this way. but i guess i am secretly scared that i have some genetic disorder that makes my unable to care for offspring wether it be natural born, adopted, and/or canine. for all the people who read this and do not know me the dogs will always be cared for as long as they are my responsibility.

this has been a weird, mixed up but truthful post.

i have had a fairly low key weekend and an enjoyable day. last night i kicked it with my crew at my place. i recently found out the two good friends of mine are moving to alaska. one is moving at the end of march and the other in august. it wonderful for them both because they have had the goal of moving to alaska for sometime now. my friend skippy just accepted a job working with a team of sled dogs for a woman that has won the iditarod. so not only has she scored a job, which makes moving across country much easier, but this job provides housing as well. this is a dream job for skippy and i am excited for the both of them.

this evening i went to an event called the art of chocolate. it was held at the iu art museum, which i have been frequenting a lot lately. it was fund raiser for a local nonprofit and boasted food from several nice restaurants. i splurged and bought two tickets because i heart chocolate and wanted to fancy life up a bit. i invited a friend that i knew i would have a good time with and that i knew could handle the social side of the event with some grace. i really enjoy spending time with him because he makes me feel like a woman. he’s different than most guys because in addition to his typical guy side, he has a sincere gentleman side. i think he and i are similar in the sense that we can adapt to most situation we encounter. the event was just okay, there was definitely some good chocolate. afterwards we went and had some coffee and conversation.

about three weeks ago i emailed my uncle jim. i have spoken to anyone in my family for two years and i have not spoken to anyone on my genetic father’s side of the family since 1998. i have talked in a previous post about my uncle and the significance his art has been in my life. i finally gave in to the inner prodding to contact him and tell him about his positive influence in my life. he and i have been chatting a bit via email and i have enjoyed catching up with him. we are to the point in our emails were we will either start talking about my other family members (i.e. my genetic father, his brother) or just fade away. i do not really want him to be in the middle of anything nor did i contact him as a way to reach out to other family members. i have learned that my grandmother (his adopted mother) is still alive. he reports that she has always been fond of me and was glad to hear i contacted him. i was glad to hear she was alive and had no idea she was fond of me. i have fond memories of her from childhood but by high school age i felt caught between her and my mom. she did not like my mom and i always felt that dislike was projected on to me. well, only time will tell what will come of this dialogue between me and uncle jim. his artwork can be seen at www.jim-robertson.com

school is plugging along fine. there is a lot of reading this semester but still not as much work as art class required last semester. reading is a good way for me to hang with bosco and pixie as well. we all cuddle up on the couch while i attempt to expand my mind.

tomorrow is technically the first day of my new job. i am working for a company named volt which contracts with apple to provide campus representatives across the country. there are about 600 campus reps in the u.s. supposedly we are being flown out to cupertino in february for training. the thing is these folks are pretty under staffed so they tend to be late and last minute with communication. i am hoping for an email tomorrow explaining everything. i am looking forward to having a laptop  for awhile too. i’ve always just had a desktop.

in addition to the campus rep job i will still be shooting a bit of iu communications and for bloom. i am excited to see this month’s bloom magazine because i will have four photographs published in it. it’s my first time to be published in a glossy magazine.

the last two weeks of the fall semester were brutal. there was a lot work to be done which equated a lot of sleepless nights. i am very excited that i earned a 3.2 for the semester. this is the highest semester gpa i’ve ever earned. my overall gpa is 2.94 so if i play my cards right this semester i’ll push it to at least a 3.0.

my semester break was fruitful. i have come to rely on winter break to digest all of the changes i have experienced that year. my roommate was gone for break so i had all of the solitude i wanted. what hit me the most over break wasn’t so much the past year but the future that awaits me. i am all set to graduate in may but have absolutely no idea what’s next. it’s a great situation to be in to not have any strings or weights attached to bloomington. i can pick up and go wherever they will allow a texan and her two little doggies. having this freedom is great but it also makes me realize that i am alone and do not have companion that i can experience mutual love and care. this is a current theme for me right now. when i think about the coolest job i could have i am not sure i want that anymore than i want to find a wonderful man that i can experience life with. i know that i cannot be fulfilled by a just job alone.

i have been sweating my money situation quite a bit. i did finally get offered a part-time job that will start as my internship is ending so that is a great relief. even with that income it’s not enough to cover expenses. i was left with decision to work full-time and be in school or take money from my retirement. it’s a bad decision either. if i work full-time i know that my schoolwork will suffer and i’ll risk failing some classes therefore jeopardizing graduation. if i take money out of retirement i am really taking the equivalent of 6x that amount out (it’s value at retirement age). i decided on friday to rob my future and take the retirement money. i recognize though that when push comes to shove i am among the fortunate to have any money like this to tap into. i hope to be able to compensate for my actions when i’m in the working world again.

my last semester of courses looks promising at the one week in mark. i am taking: war propaganda, religion and society (a sociology course), history of 20th century photography, underwater photo and video, and swimming (just for exercise). these are stimulating subjects and i look forward to learning all i can about them.