this is my blog

it started out good because the interviewer was very straightforward about what the job was (formatting text in microsoft word) and what it wasn’t (an opportunity to do *anything* creative). That was all fine and good except that he took about forty-five minutes to say what should have taken about ten to fifteen. he then went on to explain the different personalities of the people i would work directly with which is ten type-a women. about an hour and thirty minutes into what was still being referred to as an interview i asked a few questions to try and get the information i needed out of the interview. what i really needed to know was 1) who has final say in the design of the books and power point presentations and 2) why were they interested in someone who has cs3 experience if the designers only work in word and power point? the answer to question 1: the type-a women have final say (well, duh, right?). the designer is just a puppet to do what they do not know how to do or do not have time to do. the answer to question 2: they thought it would be cool in case an opportunity came up to use it. 

two hours into the “interview” i was given a microsoft word test to verify my skill set. he said i’d have twenty-five minutes to complete it and he came in after ten to see if i was “crying uncle.” he then wanted to sit and chitchat with me about computers and cameras. i eventually just got up and got ready to leave. at this point he walked me to the door chatting the entire time. that is two and half hours of my life i will never get back.

today is one of the days i feel very small. i feel like nothing full-time is going to work out for me here. my worst case scenario plan is getting closer and closer. i really do not mind starting at the bottom in the design world but i would rather work several part-time jobs than to work as a not-really-designer in the backdrop of a nightmare. i’m frustrated because i know i am solid as a designer. part of what is holding me back is that my portfolio is off beat and infographics focused. i can’t find my design work from back in the day. all of the websites i created are no longer up because they are out-of-date ( i made backups but they are lost with the other stuff). the computer i have is too antiquated to successfully run design software so there is not much opportunity to design here at home. i have been toying with the idea of going into debt and buying a new machine so i can design at home and maybe get a little side business going. i hesitate to add to my debt because i added to my debt to finish school, i’m not too excited about increasing that debt.

as a kid i was incredibly shy. i have been told that i would break out crying if someone looked at me, for what i perceived as, too long. i did not have a lot of friends because i was known as a “four-eyed-freckle-face-big-momma.” and there for a couple of years my family was on hard times and i got made fun of for being poor. a good deal of my social interactions were with my brother troy who is three years older than me. he was in and out of a boys home and eventually went to live with my genetic mother when i was in fourth grade.

it was not too long after my segway to being the only child that i was forced into the girl scouts. i think i did not want to join because if my shyness and because the boy scouts got to do way cooler shit than the girl scouts. we were coming home from a “camping” trip and the rest of the girls in the suburan were talking about something. for some reason i injected a comment into the conversation (i do not remember the comment) and the whole suburan busted out in laughter. that was the exact moment i learned that i could make people laugh and it seemed if i could make them laugh they would like me. making people laugh has been my social crutch ever since.

it’s a great skill to have, if wielded correctly it can help you make friends, ease your pain by making fun of yourself before others get a chance, and if you are a dude it can help you get laid. which brings me to the down side of funny. no dude wants to have sexy time with a lady that is funnier than him, believe me i’m pretty funny…i speak from experience. if you are quick witted then you tend to blurt out the funny things that come to mind and this can be obnoxious. if you and your humor are always the life of the party, then people expect you to be on your game at all times and they tend to freak out when you are depressed or sad.

for me, i think funny has allowed time to pass with as much ease as possible. having a healthy sense of humor has gotten me through some really tough times in life.

as i grow into womanhood i find myself more comfortable in my skin and less in need of being the funny girl. and with funny gone, i welcome a new friend in life: awkwardness. while platonic relationships are still a snap for me, romantic relationships are not.

this is where the late bloomer really comes into play in the themes of flirting and my sexuality. i never learned to flirt. i have had some help in this area from girlfriends but it is far from natural for me. here’s an example: the other day my friend sarah and i were moving some heavy items up to my apartment. a guy coming out of my building held the door open for us. while most women would have tossed him a glance (adjusting their sparkle to his hotness), smiled, and said thank you. i, on the other hand, said in a grunt as i picked up my box “thank you, kind sir.” now possibly this would have been appropriate if this guy was about 40 years my senior or this event took place in the 1600s. but it’s 2008 and this guy was in his mid to late 20s.

i have been exploring my sexuality through the lens of being a woman (not as gender but as age).  my sexual repression is largely a result of my mom. she was raised as a strict mennonite so that was the ideology she used to raise me too. needless to say this upbringing did not allow my mom to get in touch with her sexuality. she had limited boyfriends before marrying my genetic father and she had no known relationships after their divorce. even though my mom was a registered nurse we never had the birds and bees talk. what i learned about sexuality was basically: don’t wear makeup because that meant you were a whore (not that i knew what a whore did); do not wear clothing that is too tight, revealing (meaning a v-neck) or too “loud”; no dating (because that meant instant pregnancy); and no drinking because you would turn into a drunk. the result? androgyny. for a lot of my late childhood through about 8th grade i was frequently mistaken for a boy. i usually had really short hair but not sure why. the iron grip of the mennonite church (even though we did not attend one) was around me until i slowly broke free, this took the entire decade of my 20s.

so here i am 34 and finally having fun. i’ve had some flings over the two years since my divorce and have learned that i am much more liberated than i ever thought i’d be. i think most people are it’s just kept in the dark by our morally oppressed, capitalist happy society. while i am still down for some fun my thoughts have shifted from the short-term to the long-term. it will be interesting to see what awaits me in the dating world, i sure my friend awkwardness will not be too far away.