vulnerable to the elements
i have written a bit on this blog about having the identity of an adopted child. even though i was never legally adopted by a person and never lived in an orphanage (like my genetic father, aunt, and uncle), i was not raised by my genetic parents. my step mother (who is “mom”) married my genetic father when i was 4 or 5 and they split when i was 12 and she raised me from then on (regretting it every step of the way).
i have struggled with issues of worth my whole life. i associate these feelings with the experience of being abandoned by, or removing myself from an abusive situation involving, my family. of three sets of family, genetic mothers side, genetic fathers side, and my mom’s side…i am loosely in contact with an aunt and an uncle from my genetic side. this recent contact with my aunt and uncle is something i started with my uncle by sending him a note thanking him for being such a positive role model for me.
that is a lot of people whom do not care about me enough to pick up a phone or write a letter to see how things are going. with the scoreboard as uneven as it is, it is difficult to believe it isn’t my fault. logic supports the idea that it could not be my fault because most of the abandonment happened before i was out of high school. removing myself from abusive relationships was the result of me becoming an adult and realizing the behavior was unhealthy (this mainly happened with my mom’s side of the family after she died). i seem to be unable to find resolution in the logic. i am not sure if it is because i am so scarred i cannot see past the pain acquired or maybe it’s because i am in a more positive place than i was born into (meaning that if i were still with my family i would not be aware of the abuses).
i do want to get to a place where i do not feel so exposed but maybe i’m kidding myself. maybe we all feel that way and i just need to accept that it is normal and there is nothing to feel different about just because i was adopted and abandoned.
i also try and envision what my life would be like if i was still associated with my family. i do not think i would be in the place i am at now: in a new city away from every person that has abused and/or manipulated me (this includes a “go fuck yourself” letter i sent to my ex-husband today) working towards a positive future. i will start by keeping and growing the meaningful relationships in my life already and developing some new ones here in the city.
Posted by in 02:21:55
Small guy,nice blog,great job,hope i will see your work soon.