Thursday, March 26, 2009

not doing what i want and i don’t know why

I’ve been feeling unsettled lately. I have all of this energy inside of me and no focused way to express it. I know want to paint but when I sit down to paint nothing comes out. I have several ideas for greeting cards but when I sit down to make them I can’t put anything on paper. I need to get new design work and photo work but don’t have anything new coming in and don’t know how to get new work. I see at least one scene everyday I want to photograph but I do not take the picture.

Not sure if the above is a sign of me being content with my life or discontent with my life.

I do not have the ability to plan for the future. I guess I know how to do it but I do not see the point. I’m not sure if that is because I do not want to go on doing things in my life without a partner or if it’s because I’m scared to do them on my own.

I think I have some problems feeling comfortable acting outside of myself. I feel awkward went I try to paint or want to take a picture when people are around. I guess to say it generically I feel awkward when I do something that is solely because I want to do it. My desire to do/create something doesn’t seem justify it me manifesting it. Not sure if that makes sense but it is a growing problem. I have completely lost the ability to create for fun. I’m not sure if I ever had that ability. I love creating art, design, photography but I’ve never done it just for fun. It’s always been an assignment or job related.

So instead of pouring my spare time into design and photo (for fun or to build a business) I am pouring time into community involvement. That’s fine and good but it doesn’t benefit me.

The whole reason I moved to Chicago was for me, to improve my life. I am finally free of the relationships that held me prisoner and now I am dumping all of my efforts into this community organization and into school. You could argue that school is a benefit to me but it’s a lot of work and it’s not work I am enjoying. Why am I learning how to interview people (writing) if what I want to do is design and take pictures?

Why do I feel lazy if I’m not utilizing this free education benefit from Roosevelt? Why can’t I chill out and enjoy life while feeling comfortable manifesting my ideas?

I guess this is a new depth of self worth that I’m facing.

Posted by tyrant at 22:14:11 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

a lot on my mind

I had a roller coaster weekend. Every down point of the weekend was met with a high point. There are a few heavy things going on in my life and I think now that it is spring break, I am focusing on them.

I don’t feel especially chatty so I will digress to bullet points:
  • I feel no relief from contacting my birth mother. She is as uncaring as I imagined her.
  • Turns out my brother is not a real talkative person. I think knowing where I am and exchanging an email every month or so will serve him fine.
  • I have talked to my grandpa on the phone a couple of times. He’s pretty fun and seems to be the glue of the Jones clan. He sent me information about the Joneses’ family heritage. My maternal side of the family is Welsh and German. Feels good to have a place to point to and say “part of me is from there.”
  • Work is going OK. I still enjoy my job and the people I work with. My job position is in the budget process now and I should find out in a few weeks if I have a job after August. The good news is that if it goes through it’ll likely include a pay increase.
  • Finances in general are weighing on me. I regret where I live. I love it, it’s just so expensive. I think this weekend I will see if there are any studios available in my building. That should save me $100-$150 a month which would give me more breathing room, well financially anyway. I can handle a move in my building on my own with the help of a hand truck. I did my taxes and at first run through I owe the IRS a substantial amount of money. I will run the numbers again and hope that I made an error. If not it looks like it’s payment plan time for me. If that’s the case I may see if I can pick up a day a week at the Apple Store for a few months.
  • I have been in Chicago for 7 months and am virtually alone. I am grateful to have people to interact with everyday but am longing for more. I think the dates I have gone on have been a catalyst to my loneliness. I want local friends and local love. I am tired of doing everything by myself.
  • The two women I talk to the most here in Chicago are Kitty and Amelia. They are both my age and and divorced. We get along well so I am bummed they will be going back to China in three months.
  • Date with karate guys was terrible. He kept staring at the women sitting at the table next to us. I went on a date with another man on Thursday. I really enjoyed myself. We are going out again on Thursday.  
Posted by tyrant at 19:37:02 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

rainy and rambly

It’s been another long week. Lots of course work, PMS that could be considered an olympic event, and lots of bike riding. If I ride into work today, yes I have to work on Saturday, I will make the 50 mile mark for the second week in a row. It’s rainy out and I am really tired so I may have to settle for 38 miles this week or ride tomorrow.

What has been fantastic is the weather. I have been able to ride in on the lake front trail every day. At the beginning of the week it was still quite cold. All of the fluffy snow that fell over the weekend was still sitting on top of the water as far as the eye can see. It looked like cotton balls. For someone who is utterly fascinated by claymation this was quite a sight. I am looking forward to the time change so I can bike home on the trail. Most people think it’s silly that I ride home through the city. The trail can be creepy at night especially in the cold wether when it is virtually abandoned. I prefer knowing there are people are around in case I wreck or get attacked.

I had Sunday breakfast with the guy I had drinks with last week, Florian. It was fun but polar opposite of hanging out in a dark bar. I think we had a good time but I have only heard from him once since. So I would like to hang out with him more but it seems the feeling is not mutual. I was emailed by another guy from this service, FastCupid. His name is Phil and he is a documentary filmmaker. We are having dinner tonight at Coobah, a latino fusion restaurant on Southport. He seems interesting but sort of self involved. I guess I will find out soon enough.
Posted by tyrant at 17:56:19 | Permalink | Comments (2)