this is my blog

I’ve been feeling unsettled lately. I have all of this energy inside of me and no focused way to express it. I know want to paint but when I sit down to paint nothing comes out. I have several ideas for greeting cards but when I sit down to make them I can’t put anything on paper. I need to get new design work and photo work but don’t have anything new coming in and don’t know how to get new work. I see at least one scene everyday I want to photograph but I do not take the picture.

Not sure if the above is a sign of me being content with my life or discontent with my life.

I do not have the ability to plan for the future. I guess I know how to do it but I do not see the point. I’m not sure if that is because I do not want to go on doing things in my life without a partner or if it’s because I’m scared to do them on my own.

I think I have some problems feeling comfortable acting outside of myself. I feel awkward went I try to paint or want to take a picture when people are around. I guess to say it generically I feel awkward when I do something that is solely because I want to do it. My desire to do/create something doesn’t seem justify it me manifesting it. Not sure if that makes sense but it is a growing problem. I have completely lost the ability to create for fun. I’m not sure if I ever had that ability. I love creating art, design, photography but I’ve never done it just for fun. It’s always been an assignment or job related.

So instead of pouring my spare time into design and photo (for fun or to build a business) I am pouring time into community involvement. That’s fine and good but it doesn’t benefit me.

The whole reason I moved to Chicago was for me, to improve my life. I am finally free of the relationships that held me prisoner and now I am dumping all of my efforts into this community organization and into school. You could argue that school is a benefit to me but it’s a lot of work and it’s not work I am enjoying. Why am I learning how to interview people (writing) if what I want to do is design and take pictures?

Why do I feel lazy if I’m not utilizing this free education benefit from Roosevelt? Why can’t I chill out and enjoy life while feeling comfortable manifesting my ideas?

I guess this is a new depth of self worth that I’m facing.