this is my blog

I have developed quite a few Pandora stations in the couple of years I’ve had the account. One of my favorite stations is my Billy Holiday station. I love many of Billy Holiday’s songs but the station has exposed me to the likes of Dinah Washington, Carmen McRae, and Peggy Lee. I adore their music particularly the slow songs. There is something pleasantly miserable about songs titled “I’ve got the Right to sing the Blues” and “Moanin’ Low” by Billy Holiday. I heard a good one by Carmen McRae this morning, “Something to Live for,” which talks about how she’s got nothing to live for until she’s found someone to love.

i am having a fucking terrible day and a fucking terrible week. may sucks. i want to string it up like a pinata and beat it lifeless. i can’t stand anything or anyone. everything and everyone makes me angry. all i want it so be left alone…to crawl in a hole. i have given up completely on trying to be friendly to people and try to “get out there” and meet people. fuck people and fuck this stupid life. my life is stupid and pointless. i am an idiot because i have been waiting my whole life hoping to be loved by someone who loves me as much as they love themselves. it has not happened and it is stupid to think it will. it is pretty fucking pathetic when “to be loved” is your big goal in life.other than being an authentic idiot, i have absolutely no idea who i am. i am rooted in nothing and come from nowhere, therefore i can be nothing.

i spend so much time looking outward trying to find people with similar interests and trying to help others. maybe i come across as desperate instead of interested. maybe because i don’t constantly thumbs up, poke, im people after i meet them, i seem disinterested. maybe people hate me because i am trying to life my life with intention (bike riding, eating well, design, photography) and i come across as a snob.

hating life. hating self. feeling lost.

I enjoy photography. This is another thing that I enjoy but I am not that good at. I can forgive myself to some extent because I have only been shooting for several years. I have been a practicing graphic designer for 13 years.

My love for photography started in Bloomington. My Bloomington work represents technique. I have proved I know how to work the camera and shown I have somewhat of an eye. Now I just need to shot.

I have developed a few ideas for subjects but the new challenge is how to capture them. I had a great conversation with our departments photography professor a few weeks ago. He is the first person to give me some clear instruction on what to put in my portfolio. During that conversation I was able to verbalize, for the first time, the awkwardness I feel when I take pictures. Not when I take pictures for an assignment but when I take a photo just because I think a moment or view should be captured. He gave me some great advice. He basically said I need to trick myself. I need to tell myself all of the photography I do off-duty will, eventually, lead to a paid project. So just tell myself ‘I’m doing this for a job that I will not be paid for, for awhile.’

I’ve only shot a couple of pictures since then but I am much better at keeping my camera on my person.

Chicago has shown awkwardly true. I am not good at the things I enjoy. I enjoy graphic design but am not that good at it. My designs lack the sophistication that other designers with my experience have. I am trying to get out there and develop artistically. I recently designed a sign for this person who jokingly said they might as well open a lounge in their basement because friends hangout there frequently. I was impressed that I actually had the desire to create it. I have always wanted to make a neon looking sign in Illustrator. I learned a lot making the sign but it turned out, well, kinda goofy. I ended up sending it to the person just for fun (feeling impressed that I had even done anything). When I looked at it the next day, I was sort of embarrassed that I had sent it.I need to work more on it and develop the texture and layering more.

I am trying to break out and share my work more even though I know it lacks sophistication (seamless textures and layering). My recent motivation to develop work is my fear of my job not being renewed. I need to have fresh work (Sierra Club does not really provide that anymore, mainly web up keep) and some base clients. I am working with a french bakery right now. I basically emailed them and asked if I could redesign their website. Their website is so boring compared to their food. They said yes and I sent them a few samples over the weekend. An acquaintance here in the city is a comedian. I am going to see if he wants a website re-design.

I have been miserable the entire week. Some of it has to do with timing. It’s the last week of classes, I have been sick (home for two days with an allergy/bronchitis type thing), and I have been working a lot.  I have been in social hibernation mode for awhile now. Some of that is finances, I know if I go out I’ll spend money. Some of my misery has to do with still not knowing if my job has been renewed. I’m frustrated from my brief stint of trying to date. I guess my reaction is nothing new. I’ve made it to a second date with one guy and then I stopped hearing from him. This guy and I actually had some chemistry or so I thought. The guys close to my age want someone younger (for the kid factor) and the guys older than me seem completely happy with there lives and don’t seem to want someone around on a regular basis. So I guess I’m done with “trying” to date. On a day like today I feel like I will never find love. I’ve been in love twice, both times were not reciprocated.